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Correspondence #10: Hitachi Personal Finance

Mrs Tomlinson

Mrs Tomlinson starring Justin Hoffman and Jan Bancroft.

 

Ages and ages and ages ago I apparently took out a loan to pay for some sort of expensive item that, to this day, still has me completely baffled as to what it was. You can’t buy drugs with a loan, nor can you order the assassination of someone, therefore my guess is as good as yours as to what it could have been as there’s nothing much else that really piques my interest.

Today I was contacted by the company who loaned me the money and they asked why I hadn’t paid anything towards it for a couple of hundred months. Usually my stock response would be ‘because I don’t want to’ and then leave it to the bailiffs but fortunately the lady who I was corresponding with politely addressed herself as Mrs Tomlinson which I thought was reassuringly novel to be so archaically formal in such a brutally modern world.

So we exchanged emails and she resolved the matter at hand. Unfortunately she bluntly refused to refer to me as my preferred moniker (as you’ll see below) on future correspondence so despite the positive outcome of the exchange it did leave something of a bitter taste in my mouth. 

 

Message from HCCF EA Queries
10:49 AM

to me

Mr Peet

Please call Hitachi on 0344 375 5488 quoting ref 026%£&^91

Thank you

Hitachi Capital UK Ltd
2 Apex View
Leeds
LS11 9BH

Registered in Cardiff no. 1630491
Registered Office: Hitachi Capital House, Thorpe Road, Staines-upon-Thames, Surrey, TW18 3HP

Chris James Peet

11:07 AM
to HCCF

Dear Hititchy,

Many thanks for your friendly email.

Unfortunately I do not have an active telephone communication device due to the impending rise of the machines and subsequent enslavement by our AI superiors. I’ve seen Terminator 3 twice and I appreciated its message so this is just me being extra careful and staying off the grid like Jim Connor, future leader of the French resistance.

Please advise what it was you would like me to talk to you about. I enjoy sleeping, dancing around the living room to pop music and chatting on my telephone so my tastes are broad and varied.

Kind regards,

Chris

HCCF EA Queries

12:14 PM
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your email.

Please be advised your account is currently overdue for £214.16.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris James Peet

1:57 PM
to HCCF
Dear Mrs Tomlinson,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Unfortunately, due to a breach in the Skynet mainframe towards the back end of last year, my bank account details were put in jeopardy and my entire life savings of -£33.50 were left exposed to potential hackers. I was then advised by the Resistance hierarchy to cancel and remove all standing orders and direct debits until such time it was safe to presume I had money in the account and they could be reactivated.

I explained all this to one of your T-600 model customer service advisers but due to their below par programming, poor Neuronet processor and penchant for playing Angry Birds instead of listening to what I was saying, the particular model I was corresponding with informed me to just restart the direct debit at my earliest convenience then hung up. Unfortunately I thought I was on hold and stayed holding the handpiece to my ear for the next three hours.

When I finally realised no-one was there and my ear had stopped tingling, I discovered much to my dismay upon doing my banking that this defective model had taken my bank account details, set up the direct debit himself and withdrew a payment from my account, knocking the account overdrawn and incurring charges to it totaling £60. Due to this malfunctioning system, I spent the following few days incurring additional telephone charges and tingling ears attempting to get the bank charges refunded to me. Sadly, my mission failed and I was left in severe debt due to the poor customer service skills, breach of data protection and borderline fraud that I experienced at the hands of your faulty T-600 CSA.

With this in mind, and by way of recompense, please accept my acceptance of your future offer to void the £214 still left to pay on the account. I used Skynet’s Time Displacement Equipment to check you were going to do this.

I trust this settles the matter.

Chris

HCCF EA Queries

4:25 PM (1 hour ago)
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your prompt reply.

I have looked into the matter and can confirm on 14 October 2016 you did provide us with a new address however, unfortunately, the agent you spoke with did not update this on your file. Please note, I have now amended our records to show your address as 1 F******** ****, D*****, D** ***.’ Please can you clarify this is correct.

Taking the above into consideration, I have removed all charges totalling £125. Please accept my sincere apology for any inconvenience this has caused and by way of compensating you,  I have issued your account with a credit for £50. With this in mind, the left outstanding is £39.16.

In relation to your comments regarding the customer service,  please advise by return if you would like me to open a complaint on your behalf.

Regards,Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris James Peet

5:12 PM
to HCCF

Dear Mrs Tomlinson,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I appreciate you looking into this matter, especially under such circumstances of having to deal with a faulty T-600 unit who not only failed to update my account with the relevant information, but presumably also gave you the false information regarding my address as the house number is completely incorrect. I suspect he is a double agent like Agent Sanderson out of that Keanu Reeves movie, The Scalextrix.

Though you have the street name and town correct, my house number is actually 75. Or should I say WAS 75. I don’t live at that residence any more as it’s been taken over by dark forces the likes of which you couldn’t even imagine. But I won’t bore you with my own personal drama as I’m pretty sure you’re not going to like it. As it is, my address is now ** R*** ****, D*****, *** ***. Please forward all correspondence to this address marked for the attention of Batman.

Please allow me 21 days to clear the outstanding debt of £39.16 as I that’s when I’m due a lottery win or my wage manages to make it into my account, whichever comes first. Probably the former.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

HCCF EA Queries

5:25 PM
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your response and your understanding in this matter.

I can confirm I have updated your address and have sent confirmation of this in writing. Please be advised, all correspondence will be address to ‘Mr Chris Peet’, and not ‘Batman’.

As requested, I will put your account on hold until 31 January 2017 to allow you sufficient time for you to pay the outstanding balance of £39.16. Please note, you can make payments online by visiting us at my.hpf.co.uk or by calling us on 0344 375 5488 and making payment over the phone using a credit / debit card.  I trust this is satisfactory however please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.

Regards,

Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris Peet

6.01PM
to HCCF

Here’s to you, Mrs Tomlinson…

To infinity and beyond!

To infinity and beyond!

Barry Potter: Unpotted

So this morning when I was on the toilet I read a few pages of Barry Potter & The New World Order that I’d stolen off a child from the playgroup at work, and immediately became fascinated by J.R.R. Rowing’s weird little world of elves, goblins, drugs and chaos. So much so that I stopped reading and decided to write a brief review of it, as well as my private, personal thoughts so far. I should warn you before I begin that it’s an incredibly dangerous book that should be vetted by all relevant authorities then sent to America so normal people can read it and assess its suitability for the wider world.

Those of you who know me will know that for some time I’ve cultivated a somewhat unnerving fixation with a real Potter, namely Beatrix and her wonderfully friendly anthropomorphic creatures that steal, hunt, swear and have generally weak moral compasses. Unfortunately, her surname has been somewhat tarnished having been appropriated by that ubiquitous little squirt called Barry.

For the uninitiated, Barry Potter is a severely abused child wizard who likes to fly about on a broomstick fighting his arch-enemy Lord Vadermort who’s perpetually angry because of a life-long cocaine addiction which caused him to have most of the septum removed from his nose. Now he just harbours a severe LSD condition which causes intense hallucinations in which he visualises Danny Boy Radcliffe and Michael Gamble repeatedly attacking him with sticks, and himself gets his rocks off by attacking children. Both Barry and Vadermort have a mutual Facebook friend in Albus Tweedledum (played in the Holyrood motion pictures by the aforementioned Mickey Gamble) who is a grand wizard of the KKK and likes to wear his dressing gown, night-cap and slippers in public which, being something of a wise old sage, isn’t very wise at all given the amount of violent abuse dished out to students who wear their pyjama bottoms and Ugg boots to buy a pint of milk from the local Tesco Extra.

Lord Vadermort is played by him out of Schindler’s Lists with a funny name, Ralph Fine. It looks like Ralph but is apparently pronounced ‘Raaaafe’ as in ‘rafe’ which is all well and good but this isn’t GCSE English and I’m not a teacher.

Throughout the course of the books, movies, Broadway show, pantomime, cartoons, sitcom, soap opera and one man band, Lord Vadermort comes across as a whingeing old pisspot who moans about not having enough gak and hates everyone including those from a different background, social strata, anyone on a lower income; benefit claimants, asylum seekers, the working class, and anyone who comes into this country taking everyone’s jobs.

He does, however, have a handful of confidantes and besties with whom he likes to talk about dismantling the planet including insane News Corp emperor Rupert Murder, the overly ostentatious walking hairpiece Donald The Trump and all members of the Tory Party of Middle Earth, Middle England, England. Fun fact: J.R.R Rowing has said that she based Vadermort’s entire personality on those from the political spectrum. Here’s an extract from Wikileaks: ‘he is a “raging psychopath, devoid of the normal human responses to other people’s suffering”, and whose only ambition in life is to become all-powerful and immortal. He is also a sadist who hurts and murders people just for pleasure. He has no conscience, feels no remorse, and does not recognise the worth and humanity of anybody except himself. He feels no need for human companionship or friendship, and cannot comprehend love or affection for another. He believes he is superior to everyone around him, to the point that he frequently refers to himself in the third-person.’  At the time, J.R.R. Rowing caused a nationwide sensation when it was confirmed that she was reading aloud from the Tory Party manifesto, and current Tory stormtroopers the Primed Minister, Guy of Gisborne and Iain Dunked-In Shit are said to each have a copy of Lord Vadermort’s autobiography entitled ‘My Muggle’, and use it to inform home and foreign policy.

Our bespectacled little spelk Barry, however, has his own problems. Over the course of this inexplicably popular franchise, Barry repeatedly ropes in his two best mates, Ron Queasy and Hermione The Ranger, to do all his dirty work for him. Barry is a fame hungry tosser who got his place in the Hogroast School Of Witchery because of nepotism. He likes nothing better than to humiliate Ron and his low birth by commenting on how stupid he looks and that he has a magic wand but doesn’t know how to use it properly. As he grows up, he repeatedly leers at Hermione The Ranger and throws suggestive remarks at her at every opportunity. He knows deep down, however, that this is just a front for the confusing feelings he has about Ron Queasy and his flame-coloured mane. He won’t admit his true self though and continues to be a bastard to everyone he meets, including the audience watching. Barry is on the Premier League footballer scale of everything that’s wrong with Middle Earth. It’s no wonder the books sold 4500 copies. That’s nearly as old as the earth.

Ron Queasy is so-called because he looks generally uncomfortable with existing as a human being and fully aware that he is basically a figure of fun for the entire western world to take the piss out of simply because he looks he’d be more at home as the character Piggy in J.K. Tolkien’s Lord Of The Flies when all the other flies gang up on him, steal his glasses then squish him with a big rock. Needless to say, he has the last laugh as he ends up marrying Lady Emma What’s On? and having loads of babies together. (Not in real life, of course. In real life no one knows what happened to the lad who played Ron Queasy. I suspect he’s a paper boy somewhere.)

Anyway, Hermione The Ranger is played by the aforementioned Lady Emma What’s On? and she’s smarter than the average bear. When she was a little brat in the earlier movies, she was a right little brat. Bossy and vindictive almost to the point of being Machiavellian, I convinced myself that she was in cahoots with Lord Vadermort and was undercover in Barry’s wizard team of wizards like what Jason Bourne was in Martin Scorcheese’s brilliant masterpiece, They’ve Departed, in which Jason Bourne goes undercover as a policeman, disguised as Matt Damon, and Sir Leonardo Da Vinci goes undercover as a gangster in Jackie Nicholson’s motley crew of gangsters. That was an epic film. In the end they all died though which means there’ll be no sequel unless Michael Bay can bring them all back to life and add CGI and Transformers. Anyway, I digress. It turns out that Hermione The Ranger is bae with Queasy and Barry, flirts with them a lot as they get older, ultimately causing them to fall out, fight with sticks and eventually kiss and make up causing all kinds of media instrusion about Danny Boy Radcliffe’s sexuality in much the same way that Barry is gay in the books. Like Sammy and Fro-does in the Lords Of The Ring.

In real life, Lady Emma What’s On? has become an inspiring voice for the feminism movement, a vocal proponent of women’s rights as well as a U.N. Women Goodwill Ambassador. She’s highlighted gender inequalities in the arts and politics and become an advocate for the HeForShe campaign. She’s a God-damn heroine that one, isn’t she? Her next starring role is in the live-action adaptation of Beauty and The Beast in which she plays Belle, a Disney character who is judged entirely on her looks, sticks with a violent and abusive partner and is bullied into abandoning her hobby of reading in order to be a submissive housewife. Feminism ftw.

There are other characters in the book as well but it’s mainly about Barry and his massive ego. In the end, they all do loads of speed, have a party and Lord Vadermort is written out by J.R.R Rowing who wanted to stop writing children’s horror stories in order to be a grown up writer like Dan Brown.

Overall, I thought it was good. Good but not great. It would be much better with Terminators in it. Preferably T-1000 but I’d be happy with Cyberdyne Systems Model 101.

For those of you who didn’t like it, including me, here’s a better wizard than Barry Potter: