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Correspondence #10: Hitachi Personal Finance

Mrs Tomlinson

Mrs Tomlinson starring Justin Hoffman and Jan Bancroft.

 

Ages and ages and ages ago I apparently took out a loan to pay for some sort of expensive item that, to this day, still has me completely baffled as to what it was. You can’t buy drugs with a loan, nor can you order the assassination of someone, therefore my guess is as good as yours as to what it could have been as there’s nothing much else that really piques my interest.

Today I was contacted by the company who loaned me the money and they asked why I hadn’t paid anything towards it for a couple of hundred months. Usually my stock response would be ‘because I don’t want to’ and then leave it to the bailiffs but fortunately the lady who I was corresponding with politely addressed herself as Mrs Tomlinson which I thought was reassuringly novel to be so archaically formal in such a brutally modern world.

So we exchanged emails and she resolved the matter at hand. Unfortunately she bluntly refused to refer to me as my preferred moniker (as you’ll see below) on future correspondence so despite the positive outcome of the exchange it did leave something of a bitter taste in my mouth. 

 

Message from HCCF EA Queries
10:49 AM

to me

Mr Peet

Please call Hitachi on 0344 375 5488 quoting ref 026%£&^91

Thank you

Hitachi Capital UK Ltd
2 Apex View
Leeds
LS11 9BH

Registered in Cardiff no. 1630491
Registered Office: Hitachi Capital House, Thorpe Road, Staines-upon-Thames, Surrey, TW18 3HP

Chris James Peet

11:07 AM
to HCCF

Dear Hititchy,

Many thanks for your friendly email.

Unfortunately I do not have an active telephone communication device due to the impending rise of the machines and subsequent enslavement by our AI superiors. I’ve seen Terminator 3 twice and I appreciated its message so this is just me being extra careful and staying off the grid like Jim Connor, future leader of the French resistance.

Please advise what it was you would like me to talk to you about. I enjoy sleeping, dancing around the living room to pop music and chatting on my telephone so my tastes are broad and varied.

Kind regards,

Chris

HCCF EA Queries

12:14 PM
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your email.

Please be advised your account is currently overdue for £214.16.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris James Peet

1:57 PM
to HCCF
Dear Mrs Tomlinson,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Unfortunately, due to a breach in the Skynet mainframe towards the back end of last year, my bank account details were put in jeopardy and my entire life savings of -£33.50 were left exposed to potential hackers. I was then advised by the Resistance hierarchy to cancel and remove all standing orders and direct debits until such time it was safe to presume I had money in the account and they could be reactivated.

I explained all this to one of your T-600 model customer service advisers but due to their below par programming, poor Neuronet processor and penchant for playing Angry Birds instead of listening to what I was saying, the particular model I was corresponding with informed me to just restart the direct debit at my earliest convenience then hung up. Unfortunately I thought I was on hold and stayed holding the handpiece to my ear for the next three hours.

When I finally realised no-one was there and my ear had stopped tingling, I discovered much to my dismay upon doing my banking that this defective model had taken my bank account details, set up the direct debit himself and withdrew a payment from my account, knocking the account overdrawn and incurring charges to it totaling £60. Due to this malfunctioning system, I spent the following few days incurring additional telephone charges and tingling ears attempting to get the bank charges refunded to me. Sadly, my mission failed and I was left in severe debt due to the poor customer service skills, breach of data protection and borderline fraud that I experienced at the hands of your faulty T-600 CSA.

With this in mind, and by way of recompense, please accept my acceptance of your future offer to void the £214 still left to pay on the account. I used Skynet’s Time Displacement Equipment to check you were going to do this.

I trust this settles the matter.

Chris

HCCF EA Queries

4:25 PM (1 hour ago)
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your prompt reply.

I have looked into the matter and can confirm on 14 October 2016 you did provide us with a new address however, unfortunately, the agent you spoke with did not update this on your file. Please note, I have now amended our records to show your address as 1 F******** ****, D*****, D** ***.’ Please can you clarify this is correct.

Taking the above into consideration, I have removed all charges totalling £125. Please accept my sincere apology for any inconvenience this has caused and by way of compensating you,  I have issued your account with a credit for £50. With this in mind, the left outstanding is £39.16.

In relation to your comments regarding the customer service,  please advise by return if you would like me to open a complaint on your behalf.

Regards,Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris James Peet

5:12 PM
to HCCF

Dear Mrs Tomlinson,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I appreciate you looking into this matter, especially under such circumstances of having to deal with a faulty T-600 unit who not only failed to update my account with the relevant information, but presumably also gave you the false information regarding my address as the house number is completely incorrect. I suspect he is a double agent like Agent Sanderson out of that Keanu Reeves movie, The Scalextrix.

Though you have the street name and town correct, my house number is actually 75. Or should I say WAS 75. I don’t live at that residence any more as it’s been taken over by dark forces the likes of which you couldn’t even imagine. But I won’t bore you with my own personal drama as I’m pretty sure you’re not going to like it. As it is, my address is now ** R*** ****, D*****, *** ***. Please forward all correspondence to this address marked for the attention of Batman.

Please allow me 21 days to clear the outstanding debt of £39.16 as I that’s when I’m due a lottery win or my wage manages to make it into my account, whichever comes first. Probably the former.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

HCCF EA Queries

5:25 PM
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your response and your understanding in this matter.

I can confirm I have updated your address and have sent confirmation of this in writing. Please be advised, all correspondence will be address to ‘Mr Chris Peet’, and not ‘Batman’.

As requested, I will put your account on hold until 31 January 2017 to allow you sufficient time for you to pay the outstanding balance of £39.16. Please note, you can make payments online by visiting us at my.hpf.co.uk or by calling us on 0344 375 5488 and making payment over the phone using a credit / debit card.  I trust this is satisfactory however please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.

Regards,

Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris Peet

6.01PM
to HCCF

Here’s to you, Mrs Tomlinson…

To infinity and beyond!

To infinity and beyond!

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Correspondence #9: Sky Bet

Addicted to penalty bets...

Addicted to penalty bets…

Everyone loves a bet. There aren’t many things that illicit such a heart-shitting thrill than risking all of your girlfriend’s life savings on a Gareth Bale hat-trick without her knowing then spunking the lot on drink and drugs.

This season my gambling success has been off the scale which is something of a relief because ever since my offspring arrived it’s been my sole source of income. Apart from benefit fraud and scratchcards. What really bothers me, however, is how long it takes a betting win to transfer from your betting account and into your bank account. According to the company I bet with – Skynet – it’s my bank’s fault that it takes a full working week for my winnings to fly through the air and nestle snugly into my extensive overdraft. This comes as something as a shock to be honest because when I transfer money from my bank into my Skynet account it switches instantaneously. I suspect Mafia involvement.

Anyway, the other day I transferred a massive £9 into my Skynet account and was dismayed to discover that £18 had instead been sent across, potentially decimating my overdraft and incurring the wrath of the bank charge. (Note: Incurring The Wrath of the Bank Charge is probably going to be the title of the autobiography that I plan to write when I die). I tweeted Skynet to find out what had gone wrong and apparently it was all my fault because everything is always my fault. I wanted some form of apology payment – perhaps a hot tip or a £500 complimentary top up to my betting funds – but they were having none of it.

To be honest, this correspondence isn’t even that interesting. I just want to brag about how well I’m doing when I spend my money – stolen or otherwise – on gambling, and win handsomely.

 

Overdrawerers

My mother’s actually called Ann, and she disapproves of my existence.

 

skynet-love-2

A learning computer…

 

skynet-love-3

Hillary Clinton FTW

 

Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, Arnie.

Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, Arnie.

 

I’d post more self-aggrandising images of betting wins but Skynet has apparently put a block on me using anymore bandwidth. Still, chippy teas all round…