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Rejection Letter #3

I don’t like applying for jobs. Over the past 5 years I think I’ve applied for roughly 4,000,000 jobs of varying pay scales and responsibilities. Usually I cut and paste the same spiel into each application, often forgetting to change the company name at the top of the covering letter. I tend not to last too long in jobs simply because I am too lazy. Getting up early in the morning in order to spend your day pretending to like the people you work with is exhausting.

About 15 years ago when I worked for the Inland Revenue, I was moved to a different section roughly once a week with each team leader a clone of the overall ubergruppenfuhrer of the department which meant I was constantly having to meet and make small talk with other zombies in the building. I’d get so fed up with it all that I used to wander off to the toilet for whole hours at a time playing snake on my Nokia 3210 and counting how many times the handle door would move from employees wanting to use the facilities. I continued this for a while until my supervisor figured out what I was up to and began timing my trips to the lavatory. If I was longer than 5 minutes in the toilet, she would deduct it all from my flexi-time. The morning after I’d been out for beers and a curry ensured that I was forced to work until 3am the next day in order to make up my time but these things happen.

 

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On 5 May 2015, at 10:22, christine.*********@ncl.co.uk wrote:

Further to your application for the above post.  This email is to inform you that the vacancy is for a 40% FTE post only.  If you are no longer interested in this vacancy would you please let me know and I will withdraw your application.

Many thanks

Christine

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Chris James Peet

May 5

to Christine

Dear Christine,

Many thanks for your email. I am pleased my application got past the initial ‘what on earth is this drivel?’ stage and has progressed to the ‘he’ll withdraw if it’s part time saving us lots of extra administrative work’ stage.

While I was aware that the position was only part time, I wasn’t fully sure as to how part time it would be. I did the maths on the calculator on the watch I got for Christmas and worked out that the yearly salary would be approximately £6,500 which, according to buck-faced poverty enforcer Iain Duncan Smith, is more than enough to live on.

With that in mind I am still very much interested in this vacancy as I plan on supplementing this potential income with several small monthly lottery wins.

I hope to hear from you in the nearest of futures.

Kindest regards,
Chris

Sent from my iPhone

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On 5 May 2015, at 13.14, christine.*********@ncl.co.uk wrote:

Chris,

Thanks for your continued interest in this role. Your application will remain on file and we will be in touch regarding your suitability.

There has been a high amount of interest for this vacancy and while we cannot respond to each application we receive, we will be contacting successful applicants individually via email during this application process.

Many thanks

Christine

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Chris James Peet

May 5

to Christine

Dear Christine,

Many thanks for responding to my application individually.

Including me on a list of successful applicants is glorious news and I have shared my current application status on Facebook to my friends and family. So far I’ve had 4 likes and one comment from a UKIP-voting Facebooker who I thought I’d blocked. He always posts elongated rants about wanting to leave the EU which doesn’t make any sense to me at all given how often he holidays in Southern France. I hope to reach 11 likes by teatime today at which point I’ll send you an email with a link to my profile. Don’t be alarmed by my profile picture. Despite the uncanny resemblance I’m not a Japanese snow monkey relaxing in a hot tub playing on an iPhone.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding interview dates, times and dress code. I plan on purchasing a brand new suit for the interview like the one Jim Carrey wore so well in The Dumb and Dumbers

Kindest regards,

Chris

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On 5 May 2015, at 16.01, christine.*********@ncl.co.uk wrote:

Hi Chris,

Please be aware we are still currently reviewing all applications and a list of interviewees has yet to be drawn up. Should you be invited to interview then we will contact you in due course.

Many thanks

Christine

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Chris James Peet

May 5

to Christine

Dear Christine,

Thank you for keeping me up to date with application process, and I appreciate you informing me of my impending interview before you’ve compiled the interviewee list.

This reassures me that you believe me to be a good fit in the Newcastle University Sports Department team and in the past I have been known to be rather erratic when dealing with other members of the team who rub me up the wrong way. Once, an ex-work colleague took over 10 minutes to make me a cup of tea and when she handed it to me it had lipstick on the rim. I told this to a good friend of mine who I worked with and he agreed it was appalling behaviour so we spent the majority of the day quietly cutting small chunks of her hair off behind her back as she surfed eBay buying second hand clothes. By the end of the day she had quite a sizeable chunk of her hair missing. I’d also destroyed part of the printer by viciously booting it after it said it had printed out a PDF of Lord Of The Rings which I was stealing off the internet because I didn’t want to be seen buying a hard copy in public. We both agreed that it had been a brilliant day.

Thanks again for inviting me to interview. I can’t wait to get started.

Kindest regards,

Chris

Rejection Letter #1

Before I took up employment at my current position where my job generally consists of wandering from room to room with a pen in my hand, shooting annoying customers in the back with two gun-shaped hands, and sighing, I was actively looking for work (as opposed to inactively) and I sent approximately 4000 job applications over the course of 8 weeks. The majority of them were ignored or rejected flat out but occasionally I’d get a wonderfully convoluted rejection such as this. I reckon Facebook had been blocked at Durham Uni and Kirsten was just bored.

Durham University – Recruitment Team

Jun 25

to me

Dear Chris,

Re: University Retail Assistant, Reference number: 4705

The closing date for this position has now passed and we note on our recruitment system that you have not submitted your application. Your details have therefore been removed from our system for this post.

We would like to thank you for your interest and hope that you would consider future vacancies at Durham University.

Regards
Durham University Recruitment Team

NB – This email and any files transmitted with it are intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed.  The above information is confidential to the addressee and may be privileged.  Unauthorised access and use is prohibited.

If you are not the intended recipient please delete.

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Chris James Peet

AttachmentsJun 25

to Durham

Dear Durham University Recruitment  Team,

Many thanks for your confusing email.

I see that the closing date for this position has now passed and note on my recruitment page that I did actually submit my application on or around 3rd June, as you can see from the attached screen grab of my account. If you could therefore restore my details to your system and consider my application for this post then that would be most dandy.

Kindest of regards,

Chris

Click to enlarge!

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SHALE K.

Jun 25

to me

Dear Chris

Unfortunately you did not complete and submit the application matrix as requested in the advert, therefore your application was incomplete and not considered for the position.

Kind regards
Kirsten

Kirsten Shale
HR Business Support Administrator (Social Sciences & Health)

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Chris James Peet

AttachmentsJun 25

to SHALE

Dear Shale. K,

Many thanks for your swift response.

However, I must take umbrage with your suggestion that I didn’t complete the matrix. I’ve seen the trilogy three times and the original film twice; once in a heightened state of confusion when I wandered into the wrong cinema screening thinking I was going to see Star Wars Episode 1: Planet Menace, and instead sat for two hours wondering why there was no Jedi Master Yogi in it, and wondering how Keanu Reeves had landed a starring role in Star Wars without anyone knowing. I did enjoy it though. My favourite bit was when they were in the matrix.

As requested, I’ve attached an image of Keanu in action in the Matrix. I’ve also attached proof of my submitted evidence matrix. It took me three days to complete which is very efficient but it doesn’t have Keanu in it unfortunately. I’ve entitled it ‘Cats’ so there’s no confusion.

I expect my application will now be reconsidered.

Kind regards,

Chris

The Matrix

The Matrix

Cats

Cats

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SHALE K.

Jun 26

to me

Dear Chris

Many thanks for confirming you attached the application matrix to your online application, however it is not completed with the detail the department require.

Best wishes

Kirsten
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Chris James Peet

Jun 26

to SHALE

Dear Kirsty,

Many thanks for your delayed response.

I understand that it may not have been completed to the standard you require. When I realised that I had to fill in a separate sheet of information about my skills and duties for a position that my alcoholic, 90 year old, wheelchair bound next door neighbour could do with minimal supervision, I opted to get my alcoholic, 90 year old, wheelchair bound next door neighbour to complete it instead. I didn’t bother to check it before I sent it as this would require more effort than working as a retail assistant.

I am glad that we eventually got to the real reason of why my application wasn’t considered despite your previous emails and their tendency to be a bit flagrant with the truth.

I wish you well in your chosen career.

Kind regards,
Chris