There are many reasons that caused me to take up writing a blog and almost all of them are completely uninteresting. Actually all of them are completely uninteresting. The main reason that I joined 100% of the global population in choosing to write a blog is essentially the same reason that 100% of the global population choose to write a blog: because I have nothing interesting to say yet repeatedly try to keep saying it. Anyone who writes a blog basically discards all sense of creative substance, flings shit on a computer screen then tells all of their friends about it in the hope of amassing likes, retweets, comments and reacharounds. And let me tell you a harsh truth: in the two months that I’ve been blogging I’ve only copped one reacharound and it was absolutely amateurish.
Worse than ISIS, people who put xxx’s at the end of every Facebook comment, and anyone who pronounces the letter ‘h’ with a hard ‘h’ as if it’s a word itself, the most horrifyingly awful thing on earth is when someone posts a link on social media that’s preceded by the words ‘new’, ‘blog’, and ‘post’. That’s a guaranteed unfollow, or immediate self-harm session. I post mine to Facebook and Twitter all the time because if I didn’t then all people would be left with is status updates about what my latest trip to the toilet was like and no one wants that. Apart from a couple of you. Mind, I never commit blog posts to social networks with ‘new blog post’ written before it. I did that once and my viewing figures were minus four thousand despite logging out of my WordPress account, typing my blog address into Skynet then repeatedly refreshing the page in order to generate a high amount of views. A bit like when blokes sit on their hand to make it go numb before pleasuring themselves. Sure, it might feel like it’s someone else tugging you off, and it might be enjoyable in the short term, but you’re ultimately going to be woken up by a deafening sense of self-loathing and a gooey mess all over your computer screen.
But I’m going off on a tangent. One of the more enjoyable things I’ve discovered about writing a blog is the discovery of what is known as the ‘blogosphere’. This sounds far more inclusive and wide-ranging than it is which is basically a collective of dangerously bored human beings writing flimsy shit about what they had for tea, how hilarious their hilariously uninteresting offspring is turning out to be, or how pathetic they are at learning to drive. It’s all frivolous nonsense that no-one in their right mind should give two flying buggerfucks about what with everything else happening in the world right now like the war in Syria, everything in America, and David Cameron’s globulous fucking face.
The thing that keeps me interested in it all, however, is how seriously certain bloggers take their blogging. Uberbloggers. Due to me being a mere blogger and thus vacuously stupid, my overenthusiasm for sharing my blog posts has landed me in hot water with multiple blogging groups on Facebook who find it a slight on their general existence that I don’t take it as seriously as they do. Blogging and the subsequent sharing of your blog is a grave vocation and must be taken seriously. There are many serious commandments you must obey and take seriously. If you don’t take them seriously then you will face serious consequences. Take this exchange, for example, where I was banned from the UK Bloggers group for not commenting on a stranger’s blog post as per the rules of the group thus not taking it as seriously as they did:
Which was a perfectly rational response to a group of people so apparently desperate for strangers to comment on a blog every last one of them couldn’t give two shits about that they’d shoot you on sight if you didn’t conform to their exacting high standards. I’d already started writing a three-page complimentary comment about her Etsy shop and how everything on sale ended in .99 (like £179.99 for a tea cosy), and was explaining that I became interested in British politics because the Monster Raving Loony Party wanted to introduce a 99p coin to save on change when I received this correspondence not long after:
I was becoming a non-conformist; a rebel. An anarchist, if you will. I wasn’t adhering to strict blogging rules and thus I was unknowingly ostracising myself with every second that passed. Minutes later, I received a rather snooty response and found myself in Facebook-closed-blogging-discussion-group limbo. I was hanging in the ether between being accepted and rejected and soon found my place when I attempted to reply to the latest comment:
As you can see, my warm-hearted response hung limply in a void of nothingness like a dysfunctioned penis, and I was castigated and put on the naughty chair where all my attempts at a red-eyed, snotty-nosed apology were firmly rebuffed despite me not attempting one. As much as I’d enjoy and appreciate spending whole minutes of my time leaving a comment outlining my thoughts on a hair conditioner pack that revolutionised the way I wash my hair, or how a new lipstick about made me feel sexier than sex, I went to my safeplace (the toilet) and decided that I probably wouldn’t enjoy and appreciate it and would much prefer to take drugs, or sit in a warm chair for 11 hours instead.
I’ve since been allowed back into the group as I quite rightly presume that they’ve forgotten who I am given that all bloggers have a finite amount of brain cells with which to function. I know this for a fact as I, too, am a blogger and I, too, am writing things down for the world to see, and I, too, know that my blog is more influential than the Bible, Dandy and Beano put together.
Everyone thinks their blog is worth a read which is why most are eminently unreadable, especially if a blog post doesn’t fall within a remit of 140 characters or less, or happens to appear on Facebook alongside posts that include racism, evil devil children or Jeremy Corbyn. Having said that, there are a few blogs that I like to cast my eye over, the top four of which are listed here:
So there you have it. My blog post about my blog about blogging about bloggers blogging about blogs is now finished. It turns out that the problem with all the blogs and blogging is all the bloggerers blogging. Shame that. I hope you enjoyed me blogging about blogs and if you feel you have something interesting to say about blogging, blogs, bloggers or bloggercise, or even if you fancy blogging about blogging about blogs yourself then feel free to mention my blog to all your friends, tell them my blog is the best and blogging is also the best. You can also comment about the blogs and all the other blogs such as my list of favourite blogs as long as your comment about my blog is three sentences long and made up entirely of vowels. Happy blogging bloggerers!
P.S. As a post-script to this, the word ‘blogging’ and its derivatives such as ‘blog’, ‘blogger’ and ‘self-involved lunatics’ appear approximately 90 times or more during this post. This was done on purpose because I… am a blogger.