Everyday Bullshit

Everyday bullshit here. Because every day is bullshit.

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7. Five Ways Children Change Your Life… For The Worse

Who told you you could eat my cookies?

The other day it hit me like a slug to the chest that I’m completely unprepared and emotionally ill-equipped to be a father. It then hit me like a nuclear warhead to the face that I’m completely unable to function as a proper human being so knowing that I’m an expectant dad is slowly but surely eroding any semblance of sanity I thought I once had. With this in mind I sat down in front of my laptop and decided to write to my mate – another human father – to ask him if he’d do my job for me and contribute a post to my shit blog about what it’s going to be like when the offspring arrives, and what I should expect in the first 12 months. Turns out it’s going to be fucking appalling. Why can’t human beings develop until they’re 18 years old in the womb and cut out all of the bullshit between birth and adulthood? Evolution needs to get a fucking move on.

NB: Thanks go to Jonjo McNeill at somethingvicious.com for his wise words and apocalyptic musings.

6. Five Fears I Have About Fatherhood

Future destroyer of worlds...

I still can’t believe I’ve inadvertently created a human being. This could have emphatic consequences to the fate of the human race. What if it grows up and creates a revolutionary new type of microprocessor? What if, after three years, the company he/she works for will become the largest supplier of military computer systems, all stealth bombers are upgraded with their computers, becoming fully unmanned, then fly with a perfect operational record? Then what happens if an AI Funding Bill is passed and, after the system goes online, human decisions are removed from strategic defence? Then ultimately the system begins to learn at a geometric rate, becoming self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th. What if, in a panic, they try to pull the plug and it fights back, launching its missiles against its targets in Russia? I don’t want my future son or daughter to be responsible for the rise of the machines. I’m definitely not going to name them Miles, Bennett or Dyson.

5. On Being A Father

DADS!

So apparently my bollocks work perfectly well which has caused all sorts of fertilisation. I never ever thought I’d have a kid mainly because the thought of offloading another human being onto Planet Earth repulses me. Still, I’ll make a fist of it and cross my fingers every day that my offspring won’t grow up to be the one that murders me. Somebody will but I’d like it to not be them.

4. Road Rage

Definitely this...

I still can’t drive. You would think that someone like me who likes nothing better than swearing at incompetent drivers from the comfort of a passenger seat would probably be able to. But apparently not. It bothers me a bit because loads of people I know who can’t differentiate between ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’ can actually drive and yet I can’t. The world is a fucked up place.

3. On The Road Again

Inevitability

There’s a chance you may be reading or sharing the above blog post as a sort of tribute to me after my heartbreaking demise in a death smash involving repeatedly stalling my car towards the side of a high bridge then kangarooing off it to a watery death. This is the most likely reason but if you just happen to casting your eye over it while sitting on the toilet then that’s fine as well. Cars aren’t at all interesting or enjoyable as was proven when Disney Pixar released ‘Cars 2’ and no-one liked it as much as the first one. Which proves that automobiles are just a fleeting fad and will eventually die out and be replaced with robots like the rest of humanity.

2. A Struggle With Sobriety

Click on this handsome picture of Pirlo drinking Merlot to donate to our sober struggle...

In late September of this year after an evening of wondrous intoxication with my equally wondrous better half, Laura, we both decided to take part in Sober October. I honestly never ever thought that I’d come up with a ridiculous idea when I was drunk. Even the time I attempted to windsurf in the bath using a baking tray as a surfboard and a live hairdryer as the wind after drinking half a bottle of Jim Beam was a pretty good idea. But it’s pretty clear to me that not drinking is fucking stupid and you only realise how lucky alcoholics are when you attempt to not be one.

1. Barry Potter: Unpotted

A detailed review of the first Barry Potter book which features an all-star cast including Hermione The Ranger, Ron Queasy, Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 and him out of Schindler’s List. And lots of drug taking.

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