Category Archives: Human Beings Still Exist

Human beings annoying each other. Or me wasting their time.

Correspondence #10: Hitachi Personal Finance

Mrs Tomlinson

Mrs Tomlinson starring Justin Hoffman and Jan Bancroft.

 

Ages and ages and ages ago I apparently took out a loan to pay for some sort of expensive item that, to this day, still has me completely baffled as to what it was. You can’t buy drugs with a loan, nor can you order the assassination of someone, therefore my guess is as good as yours as to what it could have been as there’s nothing much else that really piques my interest.

Today I was contacted by the company who loaned me the money and they asked why I hadn’t paid anything towards it for a couple of hundred months. Usually my stock response would be ‘because I don’t want to’ and then leave it to the bailiffs but fortunately the lady who I was corresponding with politely addressed herself as Mrs Tomlinson which I thought was reassuringly novel to be so archaically formal in such a brutally modern world.

So we exchanged emails and she resolved the matter at hand. Unfortunately she bluntly refused to refer to me as my preferred moniker (as you’ll see below) on future correspondence so despite the positive outcome of the exchange it did leave something of a bitter taste in my mouth. 

 

Message from HCCF EA Queries
10:49 AM

to me

Mr Peet

Please call Hitachi on 0344 375 5488 quoting ref 026%£&^91

Thank you

Hitachi Capital UK Ltd
2 Apex View
Leeds
LS11 9BH

Registered in Cardiff no. 1630491
Registered Office: Hitachi Capital House, Thorpe Road, Staines-upon-Thames, Surrey, TW18 3HP

Chris James Peet

11:07 AM
to HCCF

Dear Hititchy,

Many thanks for your friendly email.

Unfortunately I do not have an active telephone communication device due to the impending rise of the machines and subsequent enslavement by our AI superiors. I’ve seen Terminator 3 twice and I appreciated its message so this is just me being extra careful and staying off the grid like Jim Connor, future leader of the French resistance.

Please advise what it was you would like me to talk to you about. I enjoy sleeping, dancing around the living room to pop music and chatting on my telephone so my tastes are broad and varied.

Kind regards,

Chris

HCCF EA Queries

12:14 PM
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your email.

Please be advised your account is currently overdue for £214.16.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris James Peet

1:57 PM
to HCCF
Dear Mrs Tomlinson,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Unfortunately, due to a breach in the Skynet mainframe towards the back end of last year, my bank account details were put in jeopardy and my entire life savings of -£33.50 were left exposed to potential hackers. I was then advised by the Resistance hierarchy to cancel and remove all standing orders and direct debits until such time it was safe to presume I had money in the account and they could be reactivated.

I explained all this to one of your T-600 model customer service advisers but due to their below par programming, poor Neuronet processor and penchant for playing Angry Birds instead of listening to what I was saying, the particular model I was corresponding with informed me to just restart the direct debit at my earliest convenience then hung up. Unfortunately I thought I was on hold and stayed holding the handpiece to my ear for the next three hours.

When I finally realised no-one was there and my ear had stopped tingling, I discovered much to my dismay upon doing my banking that this defective model had taken my bank account details, set up the direct debit himself and withdrew a payment from my account, knocking the account overdrawn and incurring charges to it totaling £60. Due to this malfunctioning system, I spent the following few days incurring additional telephone charges and tingling ears attempting to get the bank charges refunded to me. Sadly, my mission failed and I was left in severe debt due to the poor customer service skills, breach of data protection and borderline fraud that I experienced at the hands of your faulty T-600 CSA.

With this in mind, and by way of recompense, please accept my acceptance of your future offer to void the £214 still left to pay on the account. I used Skynet’s Time Displacement Equipment to check you were going to do this.

I trust this settles the matter.

Chris

HCCF EA Queries

4:25 PM (1 hour ago)
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your prompt reply.

I have looked into the matter and can confirm on 14 October 2016 you did provide us with a new address however, unfortunately, the agent you spoke with did not update this on your file. Please note, I have now amended our records to show your address as 1 F******** ****, D*****, D** ***.’ Please can you clarify this is correct.

Taking the above into consideration, I have removed all charges totalling £125. Please accept my sincere apology for any inconvenience this has caused and by way of compensating you,  I have issued your account with a credit for £50. With this in mind, the left outstanding is £39.16.

In relation to your comments regarding the customer service,  please advise by return if you would like me to open a complaint on your behalf.

Regards,Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris James Peet

5:12 PM
to HCCF

Dear Mrs Tomlinson,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I appreciate you looking into this matter, especially under such circumstances of having to deal with a faulty T-600 unit who not only failed to update my account with the relevant information, but presumably also gave you the false information regarding my address as the house number is completely incorrect. I suspect he is a double agent like Agent Sanderson out of that Keanu Reeves movie, The Scalextrix.

Though you have the street name and town correct, my house number is actually 75. Or should I say WAS 75. I don’t live at that residence any more as it’s been taken over by dark forces the likes of which you couldn’t even imagine. But I won’t bore you with my own personal drama as I’m pretty sure you’re not going to like it. As it is, my address is now ** R*** ****, D*****, *** ***. Please forward all correspondence to this address marked for the attention of Batman.

Please allow me 21 days to clear the outstanding debt of £39.16 as I that’s when I’m due a lottery win or my wage manages to make it into my account, whichever comes first. Probably the former.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

HCCF EA Queries

5:25 PM
to me

Mr Chris Peet,

Thank you for your response and your understanding in this matter.

I can confirm I have updated your address and have sent confirmation of this in writing. Please be advised, all correspondence will be address to ‘Mr Chris Peet’, and not ‘Batman’.

As requested, I will put your account on hold until 31 January 2017 to allow you sufficient time for you to pay the outstanding balance of £39.16. Please note, you can make payments online by visiting us at my.hpf.co.uk or by calling us on 0344 375 5488 and making payment over the phone using a credit / debit card.  I trust this is satisfactory however please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.

Regards,

Mrs Tomlinson
Senior Collections Agent

Chris Peet

6.01PM
to HCCF

Here’s to you, Mrs Tomlinson…

To infinity and beyond!

To infinity and beyond!

Correspondence #9: Sky Bet

Addicted to penalty bets...

Addicted to penalty bets…

Everyone loves a bet. There aren’t many things that illicit such a heart-shitting thrill than risking all of your girlfriend’s life savings on a Gareth Bale hat-trick without her knowing then spunking the lot on drink and drugs.

This season my gambling success has been off the scale which is something of a relief because ever since my offspring arrived it’s been my sole source of income. Apart from benefit fraud and scratchcards. What really bothers me, however, is how long it takes a betting win to transfer from your betting account and into your bank account. According to the company I bet with – Skynet – it’s my bank’s fault that it takes a full working week for my winnings to fly through the air and nestle snugly into my extensive overdraft. This comes as something as a shock to be honest because when I transfer money from my bank into my Skynet account it switches instantaneously. I suspect Mafia involvement.

Anyway, the other day I transferred a massive £9 into my Skynet account and was dismayed to discover that £18 had instead been sent across, potentially decimating my overdraft and incurring the wrath of the bank charge. (Note: Incurring The Wrath of the Bank Charge is probably going to be the title of the autobiography that I plan to write when I die). I tweeted Skynet to find out what had gone wrong and apparently it was all my fault because everything is always my fault. I wanted some form of apology payment – perhaps a hot tip or a £500 complimentary top up to my betting funds – but they were having none of it.

To be honest, this correspondence isn’t even that interesting. I just want to brag about how well I’m doing when I spend my money – stolen or otherwise – on gambling, and win handsomely.

 

Overdrawerers

My mother’s actually called Ann, and she disapproves of my existence.

 

skynet-love-2

A learning computer…

 

skynet-love-3

Hillary Clinton FTW

 

Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, Arnie.

Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, Arnie.

 

I’d post more self-aggrandising images of betting wins but Skynet has apparently put a block on me using anymore bandwidth. Still, chippy teas all round…

 

Correspondence #8: British Gas

'Transfer me the moneyyyy! - a quote for all ages.

‘Transfer me the moneyyyy! – a quote for all ages.

Roger Moore is a towel thief. I’m quoting the great Alan Partridge here but for the purpose of this article it’s important to substitute the words ‘Roger Moore’ with ‘British Gas’, and ‘towel thief’ with ‘fucking thieving bastard’.

Apparently Laura has spent her entire adult life – that’s 50 years – trying to claim back the money she’s overpaid to British Gas for her household electric. Laura is quite the environmental crusader so has some of those shiny solar panels on the roof of our house which I always thought were just for show, or to convince people you cared about the environment when really you quite enjoy littering, and are vaguely impressed by huge oil spills that decimate the entire sea life in the North Atlantic. Amazingly, however, they actually work (my laptop is currently being powered by the Sun-God, Ra) and this caused all sorts of confusion to the top brass at British Gas who couldn’t understand the concept, and were baffled as to why our electricity usage was lower than they’d predicted.

Eventually, I decided to take on the case and politely asked them to give Laura her fucking money back because for months they just refused to hand it over. Given the robotic responses of each individual I spoke to, I’m convinced I was corresponding with an artifical intelligence of some sort. Perhaps a T-1000, but ideally Johnny-5.

N.B. As an added titbit of information, during this saga a British Gas meter reader came round to our house to read the meters, used our toilet and clogged it.

 

British Gas Customer Service <customer.service@contactus.britishgas.co.uk>
Jun 2
to me

Dear Miss Corrigan,

Thank you for letting us know that you wish to have a refund.

I’m sorry that you unable request refund form your online account.

I understand that the current balance on your electricity account is £1052.22 in credit. I do understand you should be able to request this refund without any error.

However, I would like to let you know, whenever we calculate your payment plan, we also consider available balance on the account.  This means, that your current credit balance is included in your payment plan.  This is the reason, when you request for refund system inform you that your payment amount will be incase.

Just to let you know, If you have a credit on your account at your annual review which is in mid October 2016 of £5.00 or more, we’ll automatically refund this back to you.

Please reply to my email, if you still wish to have a refund and I’ll be glad to assist you further. If you decide to have a refund then your payment plan will be re-started and payment amount can be increase or decrease.

I’m sorry that you have been unhappy with our service and have found it necessary to raise the complaint.  We appreciate all customer feedback as it enables us to continually improve the level of service that we provide to our customers.

Please get in touch by 16 June 2016 on the details above, so we can progress this for you.

If  you don’t need us to help or you’re happy that this is now resolved, you don’t need to do anything and I’ll make the arrangements to close your complaint on 16 June 2016.

If you’d like information about our complaints handling procedure you can view a copy by either going online at britishgas.co.uk/energycomplaints, or by getting in touch and one of our advisors will arrange to send you a copy free of charge.

Thank you for contacting British Gas.

Kind regards

Sunil Kshirsagar

Customer Service Advisor

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>
Jun 3
to British Gas

Dear Sunil,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

While I appreciate you taking the time to cut and paste large swathes of generic text from your ‘banal and pointless responses to irritating customers’ file into an email and clicking ‘send’, unfortunately the majority of your reply made no sense at all, and the bits that did make sense were irrelevant to the enquiry that I was making.

Call me unkind, but basing an electricity payment plan on the amount of available balance in the account is not only ridiculous but also vacuously stupid. I can’t even think of what it’s like being a new customer to British Gas what with not having any accrued credit at all. I should imagine the monthly payment should run into the millions. Similar to the way in which you treat your customers, I expect people revert to being Neanderthals, lighting small fires in their homes for warmth and murdering their neighbours for food. Given the excessive noise that our neighbours make, it’s quite possible that this could happen sooner rather than later.

In response to your information that come our annual review in October that any account credit over £5 will automatically be refunded to us, it makes sense to just cut out the waiting around time and pay us back the £1052.22 that you currently owe us straight away.

Please confirm this via email at your earliest convenience.

Kind regards,

‘Mr Corrigan’

 

British Gas Customer Service
Jun 4
to me

Dear Mr Corrigan

Thank you for your email about the Direct Debit payment plan.

I’m sorry that you aren’t happy with the previous reply.  I do understand that there should have been actual credit on your account which you able to request easily.

Upon checking your electricity account, I see that the payment plan is set up incorrectly.   Please don’t worry, I’ve now cancelled the payment plan. However, I see that we haven’t billed your gas account in last 28 days.  In order to send the refund, it’s necessary to bring your account up to date.

It would be great, if you’ll reply to my email with the current readings for both gas and electricity. Once I receive the readings, I’ll first bill the account then set up payment plan and send you refund.

I’ll give you calculation about how the credit balance adjusted against payment plan. I’ll also let you know, if I’ll be able to send you the refund. I’m sorry that this information wasn’t given to you in ealier email. It was never our intension to make our customers unhappy with our reply.

Mr Corrigan, I really want to help you and I assure you that I’ll set everything right for you. I also understand your annual review will be done by mid October 2016 which will be longer period to have a refund.

Furthermore, I see that you aren’t named on Miss Corrigan’s account. It would be great, if you’ll reply to my email with the scan copy of Letter of Authority duly singed by her. Once I have it, I’ll add you as a representative on the account so that you can contact us on behalf of her.

I’m sorry I’ve not been able to fully resolve your enquiry today. I’ll contact you again on 5 June 2016 to give you an update on my progress.

If you would like to review our Complaint Handling Procedure please visit our website or alternatively, reply to my email and I will arrange to send you a copy free of charge through the post. If you have any questions in the meantime, please don’t hesitate to reply to my email.

Thank you for contacting British Gas.

Kind regards

Sunil Kshirsagar
Customer Service Advisor

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>
Jun 6
to British Gas

Dear Sunil,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Additional thanks for noticing that the payment plan has been set up incorrectly. Given my recent experience with British Gas in order to secure this long overdue refund which has included telephoning you 34 times, live-chatting on your website 12 times, chatting for an hour to a man who came to take our meter readings about what the best way to open a cupboard door is, and currently corresponding with you via email, it doesn’t surprise me that our account is in something of a mess. I suspect incompetence is just standard operating procedure at British Gas.

I’m intrigued to know exactly how the credit balance will adjust against the new payment plan. As I understand it, there’s £1052.22 in our account that we’ve overpaid and as I presume you’ll estimate what our electricity consumption will be over the next 12 months, I suspect a large portion of this money will magically disappear in order to reflect this hypothetical scenario. In 2014 I estimated that England would win the World Cup and gambled approximately four months wages to reflect my confidence in this hoping that the winnings would allow me to set up my own science lab like Walter Bright out of Breaking Brad, and perhaps one day come up with an alternative fuel source in order to bring the fossil fuel industry to its knees. Unfortunately England went out in the first round, as did a third of my annual salary from my SkyNet account, leaving me completely destitute and realising that clairvoyancy probably wouldn’t be a good career choice. Given that we’ve overpaid over £1000 to British Gas, I suspect your skills at predicting the future should amount to something similar.

With this in mind, once again I would like to request the full refund of £1052.22 that is in our account, along with any interest that British Gas has accrued on this money. Although the internet exists and I am currently on it, I couldn’t figure out what the current interest rates are so I asked the angry builders who are currently putting in a new downstairs toilet in our home. They said we’re due back another £500 on top of this and I for one won’t argue with them as they seem to be perpetually annoyed, and have poor taste in music and questionable views on the EU referendum. I would also assert that this additional interest payment we’re probably due will include the emotional distress of having to repeatedly correspond with a company that clearly doesn’t like us.

As requested, here are the latest gas and electricity readings, taken by the aforementioned gas and electricity meter reading man who visited our home earlier this month. He enjoys cupboards, using our toilet and taking gas and electricity meter readings.

Electricity: 91147

Gas: 1121

I hope this matter will be resolved and our full refund will be forthcoming because we’re running out of food.

Kind regards,

‘Mr Corrigan’

 

British Gas Customer Service
Jun 8
to me

Dear Chris

Thank you for your email about refund.

I’m sorry to know about your financial issues and you’ve not yet received the refund. I’m also sorry as you’ve to contact us numerous times to receive the refund. I regret that your impression of British Gas is not good at present and would like to assure you that this is not typical of the level of service we strive to provide.

Last we’ve annually reviewed the electricity account in mid of November 2015. At your annual review if your account is in credit by over £5.00, and the bill is to an actual meter reading, we’ll automatically refund the credit to you. As the account was not billed to an actual meter reading the refund was not sent automatically by our system.

Just to let you know, your payment plan runs for a year and we split your expected usage over equal instalments.  This means that in the summer you’ll usually pay more than you use to cover your higher winter usage.  It’s normal for you to build up credit or debit balances from time to time, these even themselves out over the course of your payment year. Our aim is for you to have a zero balance at the end of your payment year.

The reading confirmed by you of 91147(electricity) and 1121(gas) are same as confirmed on 1st June 2016. Please reconfirm your meter readings.

Also having checked the account details further, I see that the energy account for your address is solely registered in the name of Miss Laura Corrigan. Due to Data Protection Act I’m unable to discuss the account details with you and proceed with your request to send refund.

We’ll be happy to add you as nominee on the account holder’s energy account to make sure that we can discuss all  the account details with you in future.  Please reply to my email with the Letter Of Authority signed by the account holder so that we can add you as a nominee on the account.

I wish to resolve this matter as quickly as possible for you. Please get in touch by 22 June 2016 with the details above, so I can progress this for you.

If however, you don’t need us to help or you’re happy that this is now resolved, you don’t need to do anything and I’ll make the arrangements to close your complaint on 22 June 2016.

If you would like to review our Complaint Handling Procedure please visit our website or alternatively, reply to my email and I will arrange to send you a copy free of charge through the post.

We look forward to hearing from you.Thank you for contacting British Gas.

Kind regards

Kiran Jawale
Customer Service Advisor

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>
Jun 8
to British Gas

Dear Kiran,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

While I understand your insistence on repeating what has already been discussed in great detail via email, telephone, web chat and with a real life human being, I fear the circles we appear to be going in in order to get this resolved are becoming all too reminiscent of my current failings at learning to drive, specifically the many times I drive for whole hours in circles on the inside lane of a roundabout and being completely unable to exit at any point unless I drive into another car and run it off the road. Did you know if you crash into another car and cause extensive damage and injury you can’t just drive off into the sunset? I had no idea.

I’ve also taken the time – at no extra cost to you – to ask my girlfriend to add me as a VIP on the account in order to enable me to comprehensively meddle in her affairs. It should be noted here that she is 36 months pregnant therefore some of her communication with me was somewhat erratic and I was forced to place her in an arm-bar like the ones you see in UFC so I could get her to acquiesce to me being on the account. The below correspondence is a letter of authority discussion between me and my beloved with regards adding me to the energy account:

Me: ‘Hi, baby.’
LC: ‘Hi, baby. You are so handsome and sweet and wonderful. Thank you for spending 6 weeks of your life speaking to the British Gas people in order to get back the money that they stole from us.’
Me: ‘Thanks, baby. I’ll do anything for you. Will you give me access to your energy account so I can discuss it in more detail with Kiran and Sunil? I could really use £1000.’
LC: ‘What? Excuse me while I’m sick into the toilet.’
*waits*
Me:
‘Are you okay, baby?’
LC: ‘Not really. It’s tough being 36 months pregnant, you know.’
Me: ‘Enough about that. Where are we at with me having direct access to this £1000?’
LC: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Hey, baby. Have you ever watched the UFC?’
LC: ‘What’s that?’

I, Miss Laura Corrigan, hereby allow my beloved fiancé Chris James Peet, aka ‘Mr Corrigan’, full access to my British Gas & Electricity account.
Sincerely… Miss Laura Corrigan.

Finally, given your obvious displeasure at having to pay us back the money that we’re so obviously owed, would it be pertinent in this instance to simply cancel our account with you, pay off our final bill and reclaim the money that way? We’ve decided to revert to the ways of the Neanderthal man as per my original email and will be setting fire to all of our earthly possessions in order to keep us warm during the lonely nights, cook our pet fish as food, and perform naked ceremonial Pagan rituals to the Goddess of Gas & Electricity around a homemade bonfire in our living room in order for us to have a blessed summer.

Therefore, as we are going to be leaving British Crass then we’d like the full refund of £1052.22 to deposited into our account along with any accrued interest on this. I will send updated meter readings when I learn how to count.

I look forward to your Speedy Gonzales response.

Kind regards,

‘Mr Corrigan’

 

British Gas Customer Service
Jun 8
to me

Dear Mr Corrigan

Thank you for your email about the refund.

I’m sorry you’ve not yet received the refund and for the repeat contact this has caused.

I’m sorry for your driving concerns.

I’m sorry to know about Miss Corrigan’s health and for repeat contact this has caused.

I regret to inform you that, due to Data Protection Act we need the account holder to contact us or you can reply with the Letter Of Authority signed by Miss Laura Corrigan (account holder) so that, we can process your request for refund.

Also the reading confirmed by you of 91147(electricity) and 1121(gas) are same as confirmed on 1 June 2016. Please reconfirm your current meter readings.

I wish to resolve this matter as quickly as possible for you. Please get in touch by 22 June 2016 with the details above, so I can progress this for you.

If however, you don’t need us to help or you’re happy that this is now resolved, you don’t need to do anything and I’ll make the arrangements to close your complaint on 22 June 2016.

If you would like to review our Complaint Handling Procedureplease visit our website or alternatively, reply to my email and I will arrange to send you a copy free of charge through the post.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for contacting British Gas.

Kind regards

Kiran Jawale
Customer Service Advisor

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>
June 18
to British Gas

Dear Kiran,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

After taking your advice and once again contacted British Gas in order to secure this refund, I have now managed – via 14 customer service advisers, a lot of swearing and a mild heart attack – to be added to Miss Laura Corrigan’s energy account. It only took 7 hours being transferred between telephone operators and extensively clueless human beings in order to arrange this.

Once, when I was about 9, I was forced to watch a film entitled, ‘The Never Ending Story’, which was about a drunk flying goat who transported a small boy around space while reading a large dusty book that he would punch a lot. For a child, it was entertaining in a way that watching someone fall over in public and hurt themselves would be for an adult. Eye-opening, exhilarating and potentially bloody. It didn’t escape me, however, that the story did actually end after about an hour and a half which, looking back, was the biggest example of false advertising I’ve ever seen, and it scarred me for life.

Thankfully, due to the protracted nature of this correspondence with you, I am a believer once again in ‘The Never Ending Story’ saga only this time it’s called ‘The Never Ending Story Continues To Never End: The British Gas Years’. I think it’s a catchy title.

With contemporary film being the theme of this email, allow me to quote from another recent film in order for us to secure the £1052.22 that you’ve stolen from us. It’s from a movie entitled ‘Jenny Maguire’  which stars Tommy Cruise as a secret agent who steals money from one of his clients, Tuba Goody Jnrs.

‘Please transfer me the money! Please transfer me the money! TRANSFER ME THE MONEY! TRANSFER ME THE MONEEYYYY!’

It’s an excellent quote and food for thought too.

I expect a full refund will now be transferred into our bank account in due course.

Kind regards,

Chris ‘Mr Corrigan’ Peet

 

British Gas Customer Service
Jun 20
to me

Dear James Peet

Thank you for the enquiry you sent regarding a refund, I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you.

Unfortunately I am unable to help for the time being, as you are currently not named on the account, and as such I am unable to disclose any information regarding the account.

This is due to the Data Protection Act.

If you would like to be named on the account, please call us on 0800 048 0202* when you are with the account holder, so we can get permission to either speak to yourself, or add your name to the account.

Alternatively, you can send in a signed power of attorney letter from the account holder, with the account number and details, authorising you to be added to the account. This can be posted, or attached to an email. Our mailing address is:

British Gas, PO Box 227, Rotherham, S98 1PD.

Once you have been added to the account, or we have verbal permission from the account holder to discuss the account with yourself, we will be able to disclose any information you require.

I apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

Please contact us should you need any help in the future and thank you for contacting British Gas.

Kind regards

Christopher Smith

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>
Jun 30
to British Gas

Dear Topher Smit,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I apologise in turn for my tardy response but after receiving your latest email regarding not being named on the account after previously being added to the account by a dozen customer service advisers, I’ve spent the previous couple of weeks in a secure mental health facility.

While it must rank as one of the most satisfying aspects of your job, telling people to frack off in the most roundabout way possible doesn’t naturally appeal to me. I prefer to do it directly, especially if I’m doped up on all those drugs that I stole from the mental hospital.

With this in mind, it greatly pleases me to inform you that this is a sentiment that very much rings true as given the ongoing saga of securing the refund, a quality of customer service that ranks up there with having one’s head slowly crushed in a vice, and a quite astounding level of stupidity as standard operating procedure, I have no other alternative but to abandon ship and move to another energy supplier.

Thankfully, and via another four telephone calls to your helpline which included being hung up on three times, we have managed to secure the refund. I did this all by myself on the telephone despite not being on the account. When the adviser asked to speak the account holder I simply affected a voice similar to that of Marilyn Monroe when she serenaded JFK on his birthday, way back during the first world war. To be fair, anyone hearing that voice would be putty in their hands so I was able to close the account and acquire the funds that were due to us. As a watertight security measure, handing a phone over to the account holder to okay someone else to meddle with it is on a par with those watertight doors on the Titanic: fucking pointless. The ship sank, you know. I saw it once in a documentary with her out of that film she was in with Leonardo the Caprio. I hope this explains the reference of me abandoning ship. I own my own lifejacket.

Anyway, as much as it upsets me to finally end this correspondence, I am now ending this correspondence.

Frack the frack off.

Kind regards,

James ‘Mr Corrigan’ Peet

Correspondence #7: BPO Collections

The 'show me the money!' scene from Jerry Maguire.

The ‘show me the money!’ scene from Jerry Maguire.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been hounded by angry collection agencies or bailiffs. Once, after repeatedly forgetting to pay my drug dealer for a large stash of illegal drugs, he sent what I could only presume to be a bailiff round to my house to collect the debt that way. I’d read that you should never open the door if a bailiff comes calling but thankfully I was on the toilet and in some distress when he arrived so I couldn’t make it to the door anyway. There was a lot of knocking and he tried the handle a few times but I literally couldn’t budge from the toilet without fainting so he got bored and left after about an hour. I later learned he was a psychotic and heavily armed thug and was attempting to remove the door from its hinges in order to get me but was scared off by the little old lady next door turning on her telly at 10,000 decibels. That’s all definitely a true story.

The below correspondence is a obviously an equivalent digital version of the above anecdote.

 

Our Client: British Telecom
BPO Reference No: 110033010
Principal Sum: £38.06
Administrative Fee: £7.61

29/03/2016

Dear Mr Chris Peet

We refer to the above and are writing to advise that our client has instructed BPO Collections Ltd (“BPO”) to recover the outstanding amount of £38.06 owed to them. Please be aware that British Telecom has passed the account to BPO to collect the full outstanding balance and request that all payments be made directly to BPO.

Whilst this account remains unpaid, details are being registered with one or more Credit Reference Agencies. Failure to settle your account or enter into a repayment plan may significantly affect your chances of obtaining credit in the future.

Payment may be made by

  • Calling BPO and speak to one of our trained advisors where you can pay by Card or set up a Direct Debit
  • Calling our 24hr Automated Payment Line
  • Pay by Card online at www.bpopay.co.uk
  • Online Banking / Bank Transfer, Royal Bank of Scotland, Sort Code ********, Account Number ******** quoting your BPO reference number
  • Please send Cheques / Bankers Draft / Postal Orders to our address

If you are experiencing difficulty in making these repayments please see below for useful websites and contact details that provide free advice.

If you wish to speak to one of our trained advisors please contact our office on 0141 375 0900.

Citizens Advice Bureau
0844 111 444,
www.citizensadvice.org.uk

StepChange
0800 138 1111 FREE, www.stepchange.org

National Debtline
0808 808 4000 FREE, www.nationaldebtline.co.uk

Yours Sincerely

Graham Rankin
Managing Director
BPO Collections Ltd

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 31 March 2016 09:34
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear C3P0 Connections Ltd,

Many thanks for your friendly email.

With reference to an angryface email I’ve received from British Telecom regarding an unpaid debt of £38.06 I’m apparently liable for, I was actually advised to contact you to discuss my financial circumstances until you kindly contacted me yourselves with lots of bold words, digital signatures and love. Given my general hatred of human beings and telephones as well as my inability to count to anything higher than the number of fingers I have on my hands, I much prefer to use email correspondence as opposed to dialling and then speaking to someone on the blower. Due to years of recreational drug abuse, my slightly slurred speech would simply be annoying to whoever I was speaking to.

According to the ubergruppenfuhrers at BT HQ, several reminders about the above debt were sent to me, although the aforementioned head honchos neglected to inform me what type of reminders these were. I should only presume they were letter reminders which may be something of a problem as I no longer live at the address at which my BT account was active which means they’ll be sitting unopened and unloved on the floor of my former residence, perhaps wondering what they’ve done to deserve this neglect. The new tenant there certainly hasn’t forwarded them to me which is understandable as I never forward post that is addressed to previous residents. Usually they go straight in the bin or used as emergency toilet paper unless they were birthday cards in which case I’d open them, pocket any money that was inside then blue tack the cards to the wall to make it look as though it was my 5th birthday.

I apologise for not receiving the reminders but now that I know I am in debt I will endeavour to make payment at the earliest opportunity. While my financial circumstances don’t currently stretch to £38.06 I would be happy to discuss other ways in which to clear this. At present I am funding my drug habit by pilfering money from the petty cash at work and given how lax the security is at the office coupled with my questionable moral compass, I am more than willing to take an additional few notes if it will help resolve this debt. Please let me know if this would be acceptable.

I’ve also added an administrative fee of £19.80 to cover the cost of sending this email and should expect this to be deducted from the total debt.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Chris

—–

On Thu, Apr 14, 2016 at 10:28 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning

Thank you for your email. We are glad to hear that you are looking to get this resolved with us.

However the £19.80 administration fee you mentioned does not alter the balance as this charge is not mutually agreed in a court of law. Furthermore, theft is not an advisable way to clear the balance.

Can I please ask you to fill out the attached income and expenditure form and return it to myself via email. This is just to ensure that this payment is financially suitable for yourself and is not going to cause financial hardship. Can you please also advise if all priority bills are up to date at the moment.

Once this is received I will review your incomings and outgoings and put your repayment arrangement in place. I will send you an email with confirmation of your arrangement.

In the meantime I have placed your account on hold for 7 days to allow you time to fill in and resend the attached form.

Please be aware failure to contact ourselves after 7 days will result in your account going in to default and further contact will be made either by email\letter. telephone call or text.

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact myself.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Millington
Administration Assistant
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 14 April 2016 15:58
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear Jordy,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am glad to hear that you are glad to hear that I am looking to get this resolved with you. I appreciate you reducing the balance by £19.80 but if you could round it up to £20 to simplify things for me when it comes to figuring out the final debt owed that would be much appreciated. I feel my arithmetic skills are sharp because I regularly play darts but just to be clear that with the £20 reduction the current £38.06 debt will now be £12.50? Many thanks for confirming this as it will be a lot easier to pay off.

As requested I have printed out and filled in the expenditure form that you attached. I have sent it via Royal Mail, and, because I’ve seen the Back To The Future trilogy at least once and have a poster of Doc Emmett Brown on my bedroom wall despite how much this upsets my girlfriend, I have ensured that it will be delivered by the DeLorean time machine as seen on TV. I will post it tomorrow at 88mph so you should receive it last week and this will cut out a lot of the waiting around time. This is all at no extra cost to you apart from the aforementioned £20.00 which you have agreed to waive.

I extend additional thanks for placing my account on hold for 7 days while I endeavour to resolve this. According to Craig David’s seminal 2000 chart hit ‘7 Days’, during this period of time he met a girl on the Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, made love on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday then chilled on the Sunday. I expect he wasn’t worrying about an unpaid BT bill either as this might have affected his performance. I won’t hold out much hope for a week like that so the best that I am expecting is the agreed reduction of the debt to £12.50, and I hope to pay this in due course.

I trust this will settle the matter.

Kind regards,

Chris

—–

On Fri, May 6, 2016 at 10:47 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.

I can confirm that we have not agreed to lower the balance and the full total outstanding is £38.06.

Just in-case my previous email was misunderstood, I have sent out the income and expenditure form to establish affordability on any payments you make.

Due to the terms and conditions of your BT contract the full balance is fully outstanding and you are legally liable for £38.06.

We are keen to see how you are looking to resolve this balance. Your account is currently on hold to await your response till the 21/4/16.

After this time the account will go back to on-going and further contact will be made either by call/letter/text/email.

Any further queries don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Millington
Administration Assistant
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 6 May 2016 11:33
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear J-Mill,

Many thanks for your friendly reply which has taken a month to arrive. I can only presume there was a disruption in the space time continuum for it to have taken this long to arrive. When I sent my expenditure form via the DeLorean time machine it ended up in 1955 at Lorraine Bain McFly’s house and not in your inbox as previously confirmed. Many apologies for this.

Once again I extend my thanks for you agreeing to reduce the outstanding balance to £10 as per my previous email. This is a big help. With regard your keenness to see how I’m looking to resolve this balance, I have spent three days with my hand down the back of the settee searching for spare change and although I’ve only discovered 12p I did find the remote control for the television which had been missing for two months. This came as a huge relief to my girlfriend as she was sick of having to stand up and walk to the TV every time I wanted the channel changed which is about fifty times an hour due to my extremely low attention span. Plus she’s nearly eight months pregnant so the repeated effort of standing up and sitting down was causing her breathing difficulties. One night she said she was too tired to make my tea because of it which is just plain selfish.

Thanks also for holding the account balance until 21st April 2016 when you will once again set it loose on me. As your email arrived on 6th May I can only presume the email delays in the space time continuum are currently prolonged and extensive. I have emailed Dr Emmett Brown at Tech Support to see if he can help us out.

In the meantime, I am close to being able to clear the balance. If I add the sofa 12p to my current savings it means I will have approximately £2.50 which is only another £2.50 away from having the full amount.

Would you like me to pay this half of the balance now? I have my own chequebook, pen and signature.

Kind regards,

Chris

—–

On Tue, May 17, 2016 at 11:18 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning,

Thank you for your email.

I would advise that you take this situation seriously. Failure to clear the outstanding balance could result in a negative credit rating and additional charges so it is in your best interest to make a payment as soon as possible.

We cannot accept ‘spare change from the back of the settee’ as a payment plan, nor has the balance been reduced to £5. You are still liable for the full amount of £38.06.

If you are having trouble paying the balance then please don’t hesitate to contact me as I will be able to help you set up a payment plan.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Kibble
Admin. Supervisor
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 17 May 2016 11:33
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope…

—–

On Fri, May 20, 2016 at 13:06 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Dear Mr Peet,

With reference to the ongoing correspondence with BPO Collections regarding your outstanding balance of £38.06, please be aware that your account will remain on hold until such time that you are able to comfortably make payment in line with your current financial circumstances.

Please do not hesitate to contact us with regards this payment at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Kibble
Admin. Supervisor
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 20 May 2016 15:22
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear Obi Wan Kenobi,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

By the time I have acquired enough funds to pay the balance, apes will have taken over the planet so I will send a monkey foot soldier with a bag of bartered gold to pay the bill.

I trust this will finally settle the matter.

Hail Caesar!

Kind regards,

Chris

 

 

Correspondence #6: BT

Bee Tee

 

I’ve briefly touched on this in a previous post but one of the more annoying things about living as a human being is the depressing reality that almost everything that’s ever been conceived by man doesn’t really work. Bus timetabling, Newcastle United Football Club and dysfunctional penises are just a few examples of how every sodding thing on this planet simply refuses to work properly. Even making toast for breakfast in the morning has become an exercise in flamboyant swearing, closed eyes and gentle whispers to oneself to not throw the toaster through the kitchen window when it eviscerates the bread despite being on the lowest setting. Also, why doesn’t bread fit in the toaster? You would think toasters would be manufactured to comfortably accommodate a slice but instead the top sticks out like a crown of untoasted evil, glaring at you with yeastful spite. Bread is a bastard.

What I’m getting at is whenever you want something to work, it just doesn’t. Case in point being all broadband services on earth. For reasons only known to General Robert E. Lee – the bloke who invented the internet for you ignoramuses who don’t have any common knowledge – whenever a human being sits down to watch a Netflix, that little buffer circle thing is guaranteed to appear and exasperate you to the point of wanting to smash your own teeth in with the hammer you’re using to bludgeon the home-hub with. 

Our broadband connection goes mental roughly 400 times a week so the other day, after Laura texted me the below image, I finally snapped and decided to get in touch with India in order to try and ascertain why. I was at work at the time so naturally I was placed last in a queue of twelve million people so abandoned the idea of phoning Delhi in favour of the online chat feature. Eventually, after seventeen failed attempts to resolve the problem with twelve different chat advisors via repeatedly impaling my head off the corner of my desk, I was connected to an advisor named Kanwarjeet who immediately sussed out that nothing was wrong with the connection despite our Wi-Fi being as extinct as all the dinosaurs that never made it to Jurassic Park.

 

BT in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious...

BT in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious…

 

 

Kanwarjeet Part 1

Kanwarjeet Part 2

 

 

 

Dr. Bloglovin’ (Or How I Learned To Hate U.K. Bloggers & Love The Blog)

Presumably what the admins of U.K. Bloggers look like in human form.

Presumably what the admins of U.K. Bloggers look like in human form.

I quite like writing a blog. It’s very enjoyable because getting to write frivolous bullshit about any topic I fancy is more entertaining than the time I tripped on a chair in a pub while carrying two full pints before landing on them and puncturing my wrists with two-inch shards of glass, spraying blood three feet in front of me and ruining an evening’s imbibing for at least forty drinkers. That was a great day. In fact, I should think blogging is very similar to slitting one’s wrists. It can make you feel suicidal, light-headed and bloody. I suspect all bloggers know what it is I’m talking about because most bloggers are either a) emotionally redundant, 2) lacking in any mental acuity whatsoever, or d) in-bred, and thus have an emotional connection with one another that hasn’t been seen since the time E.T. telepathically invaded a small boy’s head in that alien documentary he was in and commanded all humans to submit to him as our extraterrestrial overlord. It’s that powerful.

I’ve previously mentioned how much I feel the blogosphere has helped and encouraged me to pursue all of my blogging goals despite all evidence to the contrary. What I find most helpful and supportive about the blogosphere is simply knowing that they’re there, hanging in the ether like the fallout from an atomic blast; a nuclear winter in which all who survive the initial blastwave slowly but surely die from the inside out because of the toxic atmosphere, the dog-eat-dog nature of survival, and the total and utter desperation to be heard against the scorched landscape of unadulterated shit.

If that sounds harsh, that’s because it isn’t. Granted, not every single blogger is a defiled or broken human being, clawing their way through the digital rubble in order to tell any poor sod they come across how their trip to the beach picking up dogshit with their bare hands as part of a health kick was unequivocally life-altering and every Tom, Shit and Twatty should be doing it. Unlike me whose reason for blogging is because of a deep-rooted vendetta against the living, a lot of actual bloggers have genuine reasons for running a blog. For the most part, however, the majority of blogs are written and shared by some mightily illiterate spelk who wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a dotted ‘i’ and a crossed ‘t’ if they were rammed up the shit chute with ‘it’.

With this in mind, I reserve my particular brand of love and vitriol for a U.K blogging group on Facebook that call themselves, originally enough, U.K. Bloggers, the name of which presumably came to one of its admins in a flash of inspiration after a four-hour brainstorming session involving slowly but forcefully pushing their eye onto the tip of a sharpened pencil. I originally butted heads with the fascists at U.K. Bloggers Corp not long after I began throwing shit up on the internet as part of my blogging regime, and, being new to it all along with being a blogger and therefore automatically thick as mince, immediately got things wrong by sharing my blog where it wasn’t supposed to be shared. The online equivalent of wandering into the Forbidden Zone in Planet of the Apes except with more apes. What followed was a digital slap on the wrist, a heart-tugging and sincere apology from myself, then an unprecedented online attack from the ubergruppenfuhrers at U.K. Bloggers Corp at which point I posted this aforementioned clear-as-crystal apology post for my obvious insubordination. Never having been a part of a cyber-war and fearful of a cyber-death and whatever that entails, I crawled into bed and cried for three days solid, drinking the milk from the cat’s bowl for sustenance and gently playing with myself in order to stave off boredom and cabin fever.

However, when word got back to the generals at U.K. Bloggers HQ about my olive branch and potential white flag, the fascists immediately rebuffed my efforts at peace, and another digital offensive was launched at my innocent neutrality, this time involving Twitter ground troops and fighty words. I’d never been trolled on Twitter before but found it to be wholesomely erotic, and because I was so apologetic for my actions I felt I compelled to respond via email to a handful of the humans who’d so lovingly taken the time to call me a cunt on social media.

*The following contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing, and names and dates haven’t been changed to preserve huge egos.

I was naughty and they kicked me. In the shins. P.S. hashtag irony.

I was naughty and they kicked me. In the shins. P.S. hashtag irony.

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

12/20/15
to amymayhunt

Dear PurelyAmy,

Many thanks for your kind words on Twitter and the extra views I’ve received on my blog due to your advocating and praise of my work.

Such is the sky-rocketing nature of my viewing figures, I suspect you have quite the influence in the blogosphere. I don’t think you’re anyone I’d like to butt heads with should we ever have a disagreement about anything but I don’t ever foresee that day happening. Thanks to your fine promotional skills my blog has never been more popular which is something of a relief as the only person who ever viewed it prior to your extensive marketing campaign was me. Unfortunately I didn’t realise this as I was viewing my blog when logged out of WordPress, and pushing the viewing figures up myself. I genuinely thought I had one unique uber-fan and spent days staring out of the window with my chin resting on my hand wondering who it could be. I must confess that when I did find out it was my own doing I wasn’t overly disappointed as I feel I have many strong attributes including patience, Lego-building skills and the gift of dance.

Unfortunately, due to the excessive recreational drugs I’ve been forced to use since I started blogging, I’ve lost all sense of what #irony is. If you could explain it to me without the constant grammatical errors and poor sentence structure that you employ when writing your blog, it’d be most appreciated.

Many thanks for your Christmas ecard by the way. That was above and beyond.

Kind regards,

Chris

Thankfully I received no reply from #irony lady which is a relief because she encourages physical violence and I am a lover, not a fighter.

 

I make £0.99 a year playing the sax. What have you ever done?

I make £0.99 a year playing the sax. What have you ever done?

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

12/20/15
to mrskatystevens

Dear KatyKicker,

Many thanks for your kind words on Twitter.

To answer your question, no, I do not think Micky Hazard is better than his 2015 equivalent Eden Hazard. However I would be more than willing to open a debate about this with you as I quite enjoy watching netball.

Just for information it’s important to never share financial information with strangers over the internet unless you’re contacted by an African prince who needs your bank details so he can deposit $3,000,000 into your account. So with that in mind I am unable to divulge what I earn from blogging. I can’t imagine it’s more than whatever you earn with your money making escapades.

I hope we can be friends.

Many thanks for your Christmas ecard by the way. That was above and beyond.

Kind regards,

Chris

Thankfully I received no reply from Eden Hazard fan lady which is a relief because I prefer Micky Hazard.

Legal threats. I am not a wise a man.

Legal threats. This truly is a testing time.

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

12/20/15
to testingtimeblog

Dear Sam – A Testing Time,

Many thanks for your kind words on Twitter. It heartens me that you’re speechless at my idiocy. I think you’ll agree that what the world needs right now is less bloggers so your speechlessness is a massive step in the right direction. You’re doing the world a great service. I expect your family is very proud, as am I. I’ve put you top of my Christmas card list.

Though having said that your tweet was 21 words long which doesn’t amount to a total silence but it does give you something to work on if you’re not completely speechless. If you can aim for less than 10 words per day then you might one day become interesting and that is definitely cause for celebration. You can celebrate with the magistrates and solicitors from which you receive legal advice about rogue bloggers. I do take your ambivalent legal threat very seriously though.

When I was about 8 I wrote a viciously disparaging note on the back of my pencil case about a boy in my class who used to eat glue. It was something along the lines of ‘David Pollock eats glue and smells of poo’. While it wasn’t the best rhyming couplet I’ve ever written, the sentiment of the message did get back to him and he threatened to ‘get’ me after school. For the rest of the day I was extremely fearful, so much so that I wet myself during PE which had nothing to do with the amount of free school milk I’d guzzled during the day and everything to do with the severe threat which was hanging over me. I remember thinking ‘that was not a wise move’ and felt terrified. Thankfully, nothing ever materialised as his mother was waiting to pick him up after school like she did every day and the only thing he did was scowl at me as he was frogmarched home by his mother who was angry at the amount of glue on his face. I expect your legal inference should amount to something similar.

With that in mind I am very much looking to our showdown in court. It could be epic as I am quite the litigator. I’ve read ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ by Carly Simon twice, and watch all the glossy American legal dramas in order to gain legal experience should I ever face a legal threat for writing the word ‘blog’ an excessive amount of times.

Many thanks for the Christmas e-card by the way. That was above and beyond.

See you in court.

Chris

Thankfully I received no reply from legalities lady which is a relief because I’m not really a trained solicitor. I didn’t even pass the barre exam unlike Leo DiCaprio’s character in ‘Catch Me If You Want’ where he trained to be a lawyer via becoming a doctor, an international con-artist and a dashing slice of pie.

What makes this whole affair truly heartbreaking was that they immediately banned me from the U.K. Bloggers Corporation group, obliterating my burgeoning blogging career with one click of the mouse. What they probably don’t understand – and still don’t to this day by all accounts – is that I’m still very much a member of the group as I have at least seventy-five versions of myself on Facebook in various forms, thirty-four of which are still in the now infamous U.K. Bloggers group. So, really, you could say I was like Leo DiCaprio in ‘Catch Me If You Fancy’ but with a poorer haircut. But I digress. 

Unfortunately, the new best friend who’d started this whole U.K. Blogger controversy in the first place by complaining about my poorly developed comment-leaving skills, deleted her Twitter love-letter to me so I am unable to present it to you as a screenshot. As a replacement, I will include this screenshot of the high traffic to my pretendy website off the back of this international scandal.

Despite her initial Tweet implying that she was unable to comprehend the difference between two completely different words in the English language, we managed to send an affectionate email to each other and to this day there isn’t a day goes by when she doesn’t think about me.

Thanks U.K. Bloggers. Wuv wu.

Thanks U.K. Bloggers. Wuv wu.

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

12/20/15
to rhian.westbury

Dear Rhian Ragefury,

Many thanks for your kind words on Twitter, and subsequent offer of friendship.

While it doesn’t interest me to write comments on blogs I have no interest in, it does interest me to correspond with new people who tweet me with high praise for my blog so I thank you wholeheartedly for that.

Despite getting something of a twitch in my eye when you confused the word ‘hypocritical’ with the word ‘hypercritical’, I am willing to overlook that fact and embrace your offer of friendship. And though I disagree with the notion that rules must be obeyed primarily because this generally removes one’s ability to think for themselves, I understand your need for conformity.  When I was your age and didn’t know any better, I used to have to conform to many rules without question. Especially during science class as the teacher there had a completely rational hatred of anything under the age of 10 and really used to let us know about it if we were insubordinate. My friends and I would cross our fingers and hope that we weren’t the ones he attacked with a Bunsen burner that day. If we didn’t conform the odds were very much on that we’d get a swift punch to the back of the head if we couldn’t figure out the chemical symbol for screaming. We’d know if we were for it because the science lab would smell like whisky when we entered.

But I digress. I expect our blossoming friendship will include many rules and regulations and I look forward to discovering what they are.

Many thanks for your Christmas ecard by the way. That was above and beyond.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

Rhian Ragefury

12/20/15

to me
Good Afternoon Chris,
Thank you so much for your lovely e-mail, it has certainly brightened up an otherwise dull Sunday morning.

I am incredibly sorry if my tweet resembled a want to be friends, I don’t think i’ve got room to cram someone like you in there so any notion of a blossoming friendship please ignore. I’m sure my retraction will cause you some upset or discomfort so i’ll give you a moment to have a little sob to yourself.

If it doesn’t interest you to write comments on blogs which you have no interest in then perhaps you did not read the thread properly that you posted on. The wonderful group of bloggers you asked to be a part of may be tricky but the clear rules showcasing specifically a comment swap which you put your blog on to shows that you did want to ‘swap comments’ incase the phrasing comment swap wasn’t clear enough. If you want comments on your blog (which evidently you did because you put your URL on there) then you have to be prepared to write a comment back on someone else’s blog. Everyone who chooses to put their URL in the thread is prepared to comment. If you merely wanted to showcase your wonderful talents of writing and degrading the blogging world which you are a part of that is what post shares are for then you can read the posts you want to and people can read yours with no commitment or agenda. Maybe you need to get your eyes tested because the wording on these threads is certainly far from hard to read.

I worry for people like you. You join groups understanding the rules of how they work and the wonderful work they do putting bloggers in touch with one another, providing advice when you just don’t know where to turn, wonderful opportunities from PR’s who want to work with us and yes sometimes things like comment swaps (which are completely optional and you don’t have to take part in!) By joining these groups you have a want to be a part of it, the group didn’t invite you because they thought ‘You know who needs to be part of this Chris Peet, he is what our group is missing’ you asked to join it yourself.

Again thank you so much for reminding me how wonderful the blogging world can be as we all joined together last night when your post went ‘live’, but of course you won’t know how many people read it because no one other than the person who found it actually wanted to give you the satisfaction of visiting your site.

Again thanks for your e-mail and I hope you now understand how little I want to be friends with you.

Rhian

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

12/20/15
to Rhian

Dear Rhi Rhi,

Many thanks for your friendly reply and your confirmation that you wish to be friends despite initially getting off on the wrong foot. You know what they say though: best foot forward. Mine’s my right foot as opposed to my left as my left is slightly clubbed. Which is your best foot? I’m interested to know. Perhaps you could have a think and write a blog post about it. If you do I will share it with my friends with no commitment or agenda.

Unfortunately I haven’t had time to accept your Facebook friend request as I’ve spent the majority of the day taking down the Christmas decorations now it’s almost over and done with. But I promise I will. I’ll put it on my daily to-do list which today includes taking down the Christmas decorations now it’s almost over and done with, and accepting Facebook friend requests.

I must confess I did have a little sob to myself but this was mainly because you mentioned you were worried about me, and carefully took the time to explain the rules of the U.N. Bloggers group. I have printed them out and put them on my wall next to my festive poster of Michael Caine in his career-high performance as Scrooge McDuck in ‘A Muppet’s Christmas Carol’. It was very thoughtful of you and I can’t thank you enough for spending the time crafting an email in order to encourage our nascent friendship.

In all seriousness though, I hope you’d welcome me using your reply to fuel another rant. If anything I’m sure you’d be glad to help create new content for my blog. And you’ve got to admit my emails are quite funny. I expect you did chuckle at the story 😀 However, I completely understand if you just block me. I’d never be in the mood to argue with a mindless idiot, and maybe you should do your best to refrain from replying anything further from me though. I mean, honestly, how much spare time do I have?!

Many thanks for asking your friends to visit my blog too. I’ve never had so much traffic and this is down to you. You’re like the gift that keeps on giving and I’m so glad we’re best friends.

Kind regards,

Chris

Thankfully I received no more replies from Rhian Ragefury which is a relief because I was sick of her constantly liking my Tweets on Facebook. 

Anyway, with me being such a master of disguise, I was able to covertly follow the fall out from this international incident via the comfort of my bean bag chair which I prefer to normal chairs because they have beans in them and you’re never too far away from a healthy snack should you need one. This fancy gallery below provides just a few of the loving comments about my existence from the group. And don’t be alarmed, I thanked them all personally.

 

After my viewing figures reached double figures I began to lose interest in the U.K. Bloggers Corporation mainly because they couldn’t decide whether they loved me or hated me. I would have preferred both because being unable to differentiate between love and hate is a vital skill to have in this day and age. Just look at David Cameron, Donald Trump and that pervy bloke off The Great British Bake Off. Although I’m proud to announce that one of the admins of this cyber-terrorist organisation was kind enough to email me privately to inform me that my blog was the finest thing she’d read since finally getting around to learning her ABC not long after she’d turned thirty. This came as something of a shock given the vitriol with which she attacked me within the group. I won’t betray her to her underlings though as that would be pretty U.K. Blogger-esque but suffice to say I’ve included her on the list of invitees to my circumcision operation after-party.

Anyway, parting thoughts of which I have two:

  1. If you’re a blogger, be glad you don’t know me in any way, shape or form. The fall out of this unfortunate accident caused several of my blogger friends to be booted out of the group simply by way of association. Several of these were fundraising or charity blogs, providing awareness of various causes, raising money and offering information about ways to help and share. By simply knowing who I am they were unceremoniously evicted from a group which, to be honest, didn’t help or support them in a single sodding way. But that’s not the point. The point is that the U.K. Bloggers – and I hate to be the one to invoke Godwin’s Law here – are clearly more Nazi Germany than Switzerland.

  2. I forget what parting thought number two was so I’ll just say this: if you’re a member of U.K. Bloggers, you can’t spell. There, I’ve said it.

Your move, Goebbels…

Correspondence #5: eBay

I found this image on the internationalnetwork. I've no idea what it's referring to, and I'm using the image without permission.

I found this image on the internationalnetwork. I’ve no idea what it’s referring to, and I’m using the image without permission.

My username on eBay is mr_jimmy_grimble which is something my brother occasionally calls me. I’m not sure exactly why, nor where the name originated but there is a film called ‘There’s Only One Jimmy Grimble’ which is a football film about a young footballer who plays football with a football. It wasn’t about me though as I haven’t played football for ages due to laziness and severe trench foot caused by a pair of £8 trainers that I purchased on eBay.

I usually buy the same pair of these trainers twice a year, and because they’re so cheap coupled with the fact my feet are Hobbit-esque and belong in the circus, they have a tendency to fall apart after about six months due to the unnecessary stress my freak feet exert to the interior lining. This time, however, the seam in these sneaky sneakers split the second time I put them on, and when I opened up a correspondence with the seller I genuinely wanted a simple replacement. If it wasn’t for them ignoring me then emailing with a dismissive retort I probably would have forgotten about it which happens a lot because of years of recreational drug abuse that has removed large chunks of my memory.

 

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:17-Nov-15 18:39

mr_jimmy_grimble has sent a question about item #321177794881, ending on 20-Nov-15 11:33:21 GMT – New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School
PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Up

Hi,

I purchased these trainers last week, I’ve worn them twice and the seam in
the left shoe has split open.

Would I be able to return them for a pair that aren’t damaged?

Kind regards,

Chris

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:18-Nov-15 10:18
please send us an image so we can check this thanks

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:18-Nov-15 20:54
As requested
Not a hint of hedgehog...

Welcome to Splitsville. Population: shoe.

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:26-Nov-15 15:42

Hi,

Did you receive the image of the split trainer? If not, here’s the offending item now.

Many thanks,

Chris

Not a hint of hedgehog...

Seams dodgy. See what I did there?

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:26-Nov-15 17:03
yes just wait. we are dealing with this

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:26-Nov-15 17:39

Dear Sue Centre,

Many thanks for your friendly response.

It pleases me greatly to know that you are dealing with this swiftly, efficiently,
and effectively – all adjectives that one would use to describe responding to
a query that has been sitting festering for over a week with no communication.

However, I completely understand your reticence to reply to my request for
a replacement shoe. At present I am ignoring approximately 40 emails
including several from a solicitor regarding a tax evasion scam I am
caught up in as well as about 25 from my manager at work asking how
the stock level in the vending machines halve with no noticeable profit
every time I am on shift. I find replying to email gets in the way of
more pressing concerns such as chewing my fingernails or trying
on my girlfriend’s clothes when she’s at work.

I should only presume, given the length of time it’s been since my first
query, that you’ve sent off the photograph of my diseased trainer to
Kodak to be analysed for authenticity should you be concerned that
I am attempting to con you out of £10. You need not worry as I can
guarantee that it’s genuine as that is my freshly manicured thumb
pointing to where the split in the seam is. I had it manicured especially
for that photograph. As a token of goodwill from yourself, I’d gladly
accept a refund on the manicure as well. It only seems fair. It cost £50.
Just transfer it into my PayPal account at your earliest convenience.

I look forward to your early response regarding my trainer troubles.

Regards,

Chris

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:09-Jan-16 10:09

Dear Sue Centre,

Many thanks for your reply which still hasn’t arrived.

I replied to your friendly reply back on 26th November 2015 and it’s
now 9th January 2016 which I calculate is approximately 6 months
since we last corresponded. That’s a long time to leave me hanging.
It’s like the email equivalent of me going to high five you and you
just looking at me blankly while my high-fived hand is just hanging
in the air. Perhaps that’s where the phrase ‘don’t leave me hanging’
comes from. Something to think about I suppose, especially if you
don’t high five and opt for ‘big tens’ instead. That would just be
embarrassing if you attempted to big ten someone and got nothing
back. I can’t imagine anything more excruciating.

Anyway, enough about high fives and big tens. My damaged New
Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims
Shoes Lace Ups are still awaiting return to the mothership to be replaced.
Can you tell me when this will happen? Presently, they’re sitting on a
shelf in my flat looking at me and wondering what’s going on and why
they’re not being used. I haven’t the heart to tell them that they’re
damaged and pretty much useless, and that I’m still waiting for a
younger, more attractive, more nubile pair of New Mens Ladies Unisex Black
White School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups to arrive to
replace them.

Incidentally can we please refer to my New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White
School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups as simply
‘my damaged trainers’ from now on? When I called the police to
inform them about your shoddy correspondence and apparent
refusal to replace my New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps
Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups they hung up after the seventh time
I referred to them as New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps
Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups.

I hope this matter is resolved sooner rather than later. I’d hate to
have to open up a dispute thing with PayPal as I’ve heard they’re
Mafia-esque.

Kind regards,

Chris

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:09-Jan-16 13:36
please send us a picture of the received item and where its faulty, we advise you to return the item back to us so we can check this, we have not been ignoring you as you state, we are not a company to rip you of for £8 worth of shoes?????? you can call the police or do what is best but its not the way we deal with our returns or faulty items. please firstly send us a picture of the item as you are claiming it to be damaged

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:09-Jan-16 14:28

Dear Sue,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Unfortunately I’ve deleted the image of my diseased trainer from my iPhone,
as well as the 400 photographs of my feet that I take each time I’m on the
toilet, in order to free up storage space so I can download images of Brad
Pitt with no top on. I’ve attached my current favourite image of Brad instead.
I’d like to think he was thinking of me in this picture; perhaps about meeting
up and watching all of his movies together. I think he’d be a really nice
person to hang out with. We could talk about trainers. Perhaps he’d ask me
why I was wearing a damaged pair of New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White
School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups, and I could reply that
the seam split; then he could ask why I don’t get them replaced and I’d
say that I’ve been trying my hardest but not getting anywhere with Sue
Centre. Then he’d probably call Sue a cow and give me a hug. I expect
he doesn’t wear damaged New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School
PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups.

However, if you read the previous correspondence you will see that I
sent an image of my diseased shoe back on 26th November, as per your
request. As previously mentioned, you can see my thumb in the image so
please let me know what you think of the manicure you so kindly offered
to pay for by way of recompense for failing to respond to my enquiry
about replacing my damaged trainer. I am still awaiting the funds to
be deposited into my account.

It does reassure me to know that you aren’t a company that rips people
off for £8 worth of shoes but it’s quite apparent that your shoes rip
themselves off given how easily the seam burst away from the sole
the second time I put them on. On the plus side, wearing damaged trainers
that expose my feet to the elements does have its advantages including
trench foot and mild frostbite which I think creates a connection between
me and Mother Nature.

Please let me know when my new trainer will be sent.

Regards,

Chris

Oooh la la...

Oooh la la…

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:09-Jan-16 20:31
please provide us with proper photos and not brad pitt

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:10-Jan-16 13:17

Dear Sue Centre,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

That was a test and you failed. It’s quite clearly a picture of a shirtless
Johnny Depp and definitely not a picture of Brad Pitt with no top on.
I know this because I’ve memorised the intricacies of Brad’s abdominal
muscles and they’re clearly not on show here. I’m disappointed with you
in making such an elementary mistake and fear you cannot be trusted in
a combat situation. If this is the way you conduct your business then it’s
no wonder that your Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll
Plims Shoes Lace Ups surrender and capitulate to the elements after only
36 hours of use playing football, rock climbing and kicking small
hedgehogs against garage walls as they go about their business.

Having said that I have, at no extra expense to you and despite having
already sent the image twice previously, attached the initial photograph
of the diseased trainer and my manicured thumb which, given the
protracted nature of this correspondence, is due another one as my
thumbnail is nowlong and powerful enough to slice open the seam on the
other shoe with minimal effort.

I trust procedures will now be in place to get my New Mens Ladies Unisex
Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Up replaced at
long long last.

Kind regards,

Chris

Not a hint of hedgehog...

Not a hint of hedgehog…

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:10-Jan-16 16:36
we advise you to return them to us so we can inspect the shoes and help you get it the situation resolved thanks

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:11-Jan-16 13:21

Dear Sue,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am very glad we are approaching something resembling a resolution with
regard to my diseased New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE
Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups. I have taken your advice and
first thing this morning I went to the post office with my broken trainer
and asked them to wrap it up and post it to you. When they asked me why
I wanted to post one shoe I explained that it was infected and needed to
be replaced with one that isn’t extremely ill with an infectious disease.
Not entirely sure of what to make of my statement, the clerk behind the
desk offered to throw it in the bin if it was as terminally ill as I suggested
so I hastily agreed because I didn’t want them to make a scene as I was still
in my pyjamas and night cap.

However, I have instead sent you the left boot of the slipper boots that
I got off Santa Claus this Christmas. They too are damaged due to the length
of my toenails and their all-too-easy ability to penetrate soft, woollen fabric
and half-arsed stitch-work carried out by child sweatshop workers in
Bangladesh.

The damaged slipper boot should arrive tomorrow, first class post, so please
send me a New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll
Plims Shoes Lace Up as a replacement.

Kind regards,

Chris

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:11-Jan-16 17:12
we can’t accept a damaged slipper in place of a shoe. return the split trainer and we’ll see what we can do

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:12-Jan-16 9:06

Dear Sue,

You owe me a slipper.

Kind regards,

Chris

Correspondence #4: DPD Part II – The Search For Choc

Kevin Costner as an Oscar-winning postman in Field Of Dreams.

Kevin Costner as an Oscar-winning postman in Field Of Dreams.

Last week I opened a correspondence with DPD regarding their comically poor delivery service, and in-between all of the mania, frustration and subsequent blood on the keyboard, a resolution of sorts was agreed whereby they offered a gesture of a box of compensatory chocolates by way of an apology for their wilful insubordination. Unfortunately these chocs never materialised and I was consequently forced to open up another line of communication with these bad prats to ask why the delivery to compensate for my initial failed delivery was now another failed delivery in itself.

I quite enjoy emailing people when I feel something of an injustice has occurred as the distraction of annoying other human beings helps cushion the shock and subsequent depression of waking up every day and realising that Skynet is not even close to being a thing, apes are not even close to a revolution, and my brain is not even close to being fully developed. With this one, however, even I got sick of how much it dragged on. So much so that when it was finally over I took the rest of the day off work. Sometimes I wish people would just tell me to piss off and stop bothering them.

On the plus side, today I received a message from my mother that DPD finally arrived with her apology, a hamper full of drugs and a look of abject fear in their eyes. So, every cloud…

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Whoever It Is Who’s Going To Respond To This Particular Message,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

As per the previous correspondence attached to this email that’s stretched itself out over the course of 7 days, please find attached in vibe form my total and utter despondence at the web of lies and broken promises with which DPD now aligns itself.

Despite all of my eagerness and hope that there’d be a resolution to this ongoing crisis – and rest assured…. this… is a crisis – it turns out that all hope and eagerness was merely a fart in the wind that dissipated quickly and prematurely, and didn’t linger about waiting to surprise people with its presence. Corresponding with DPD is very much like this: plenty of promise, plenty of excitement, and then nothing. Just air, and nary a hint of follow through.

While you may have promised my mother a fine box of chocolates by way of recompense for your earlier mass failings at attempting to deliver a parcel to my home for which she took the day off work, it seems this too was damn dirty lie which, given the time of year, is completely understandable. The amount of times I encourage the kids in the playgroup at work to get excited about Santa arriving next week only to tell them he doesn’t exist and if he did he’d hate them is probably excessive. The fact of the matter is I like watching their faces drop after a fleeting sensation of glee. I can’t get enough of it, and given your general procedures and correspondence, I suspect this is the kind of thing DPD thrive on too.

To be honest, I thought I’d be more dismayed about this whole secondary DPD situation until I reminded myself that this is DPD I’m dealing with so I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise. DPD – which stands for Delivery People Deliverers – should really think about changing their name because you’re not at all delivery people deliverers. You could change it to any number of original and relevant names such as ‘Doesn’t Post Deliveries’ or ‘Don’t Pick DPD’ or ‘David Pollock Dickhead’, though that last one isn’t massively relevant, it’s just that David Pollock was a human boy who used to bully me in primary school every day. He wasn’t very nice at all and when he got to middle school he was expelled for staple-gunning a classmate to the wall. He’s a postman now which I think has agreeable symmetry to our current predicament.

Anyway, I hate to have to escalate this situation but unfortunately you leave me no choice but to write a complaint letter to your superiors regarding your lies, betrayal, emotional blackmail and hate. And I wouldn’t expect anything decent off Santa this year. He doesn’t exist and if he does he hates you.

An email of complaint will be forwarded to the relevant department in due course.

Merry Christmas,

Yours never,

Chris

Social Media via 6j21uev6ljh3o.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to me

Hi Chris

I’ve had a look into this. You are right, we haven’t delivered the service that you deserve.

I am sorry about this. I’ve spoken to the depot and have asked them as of to why the delivery failed more than once. We can see that on an occasion the driver was on his way, but as you requested for a delivery to your neighbour it failed. You aren’t at fault here by the way.

I am sorry to say we do not offer compensation. However if you speak to your sender they may be able to refund your delivery charge, as you paid this to get the best customer service and it wasn’t given to you.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask us.

Many thanks

Nathaniel

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply, and your inference that I am at fault here by the way.

While I appreciate you speaking to the depot to ascertain why they aren’t capable of carrying an item from point A to point B, it’s been over a week since I was told that the reason they weren’t capable of this was because of the clear, precise instructions given to them with plenty of time in advance of delivery. This is understandable as carrying out instructions to the letter can be difficult for some people. Just this morning I was asked to email an important client about retrieving payment for several invoices he was in arrears with thus keeping our business above water and securing our short-term future. I was told it was vital I got this done but instead I got distracted by the new toy lightsaber I’d bought for my girlfriend’s little boy for Christmas, and began charging around my office attacking anything that wasn’t secured to my desk. Unfortunately, just as I was re-enacting the scene in Star Wars IV: A Brand New Hope when Hans Solo is arguing with Greedy The Bounty Hunter then gets angry and slices him in half with his lightsaber, I accidentally popped a light bulb while doing a jumping-backflip-dance-attack and the subsequent smoke set the fire alarms off. The entire building had to be evacuated and by the time I got back to my desk I’d completely forgotten about the important email I’d been tasked with. It’s probably okay though. From my experience if you don’t do a job properly all you have to do is lie about it then promise someone a box of chocolates as compensation then lie about that too.

Thankfully I’ve made my peace with the DPD people being unable to carry out a job that they were literally created to do which leaves me with one of your social media advisors dangling a box of chocolates in front of my poor mother’s face then snatching it away from her as she awaited her one-hour delivery window text.

As per the previous correspondence from your social media advisors, please can you confirm when these chocolates will be delivered? Please add a bouquet of flowers and a voucher for 12 free months of Netflix as an additional gesture for this second failure to follow through with a service that you promised.

I look forward to your speedy reply before I call the police.

Yours never ever,

Chris

Social Media via 1nj4ndxw0w6.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to me

Hi Chris

Firstly I am sorry for telling you we don’t offer compensation.

On the plus side, we’ve arranged for your mother to receive the flowers. You definitely deserve them as we’d let you down.With the box of chocolates I am chasing this for you.

Many thanks

Nathaniel
Social Media

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

However, I must take your offer of flowers and chocolates with a pinch of salt as I was told I’d be receiving the chocolates on Monday as well as a one hour delivery window text and this never happened. My mother was going to be receiving the chocolates which left me with the one hour delivery window text which I was really looking forward to getting as I rarely receive texts these days ever since I was viciously ‘outed’ on social media. I won’t go into detail with that but suffice to say it involved a change of identity.

Nevertheless, despite the friendship and trust I feel we have now established between us, I just can’t shake the feeling that you will disappoint me.

Perhaps you could text me a test delivery text to confirm your commitment to our working relationship, and to get these flowers and chocolates and Netflix vouchers sent out before Christmas.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via x6hq989a9vsakc.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to me

Hi Chris

I completely understand your hesitance to rely on us. Please leave this with us, we won’t let it go.

Again, sorry for all the mishap that happened.

Hope you enjoy your evening

Nathaniel

Social Media

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social
Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am glad that you understand that my understanding of your understanding of my dissatisfaction of DPD’s service is, at the least, hesitant, and at the most, borderline manic. If this isn’t fully understood then I understand the next step will be a complaint letter notwithstanding. I expect I can count on your understanding. I hope this is as clear to you as it is to me.

I have set my alarm on my phone to wake me up in the morning at 4am so I hope to have a resolution sitting in my email inbox waiting for me at dawn.

I look forward to meeting you, Nathaniel.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via bmr5pekso1q.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Hi Chris

Hope you’re well 🙂

I’ve spoken to the depot, and the manager I asked for is in a meeting.

I briefly explained to a member of staff (as he’d asked) what the query was about.
He will help look into this, and I’ve told them to add notes so I can often update you.

Will keep in touch 😉

Nathaniel

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to Social

Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I’m not going to lie I’m not 100% today. I barely slept a wink thinking about the depot staff at DPD laughing at my plight, eating the chocolates that were meant for my mother, and not sending the one hour delivery window text that had my name, telephone number and personal details on it.

However, I completely understand that the manager you asked for is in a meeting. Whenever I can’t be bothered to speak to anyone I have one of my subordinates tell whoever I’m avoiding that I’m doing something exotic and exciting such as lion taming or logging in and out of Facebook with my chin resting on my hand. Just this morning prior to consuming the eleven espressos I have at once in order to be able to function as a human being, I accidentally told a customer that I didn’t work here anymore and to come back in the past should he wish to see me. This was despite me telling him this directly to his face. As abstract conversations go, it’s up there. Thankfully I’ve had my caffeine fix now and despite severe chest pains I’m feeling a lot better so thank you for asking.

I’m glad you have another member of staff helping you with this troublesome situation. That means there’s three of us all trying to pull in the right direction to get these flowers, chocolates and 12 months of free Netflix vouchers delivered before Christmas. My favourite proverb is ‘Too Many Cooks Make Broth Taste Nice’ so I think this an apt phrase for our situation.

Please keep me updated with delivery of the chocolates, flowers and 12 months of free Netflix vouchers. It still seems bizarre that you offered me these yet didn’t send them. I can only put that down to your horrid working conditions and your general hatred of life so I’m willing to overlook that if you get them shipped at some point today with a confirmation email, letter of apology and a hug.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via draxs64jpuxtby.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Dear Chris

Thank you for your honesty; I’m really sorry you’ve lost sleep over this situation. We’re doing our best to get this sorted for you. I must say 11 espressos is a rather large dose of caffeine but I agree that life without espressos would be rough. I hope the chest pains diminish as the day goes on.

We’ll be sure to keep you updated.

Kind regards,

Hemin
Social Media Team

 

Social Media via uf5c4ldfr5v3bx.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Dear Chris

The depot manager has updated our notes and advised that the courtesy gift will be on its way to you ASAP. I’m sorry we won’t be able to give you a physical hug but please accept this cyber hug instead. *Cyber hug*.

Kind regards,

Hemin
Social Media Team

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to Social

Dear Hemin,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Much like your cyber hug, I suspect your courtesy gift does not exist. I’ve been promised so many promises and so many promises have been broken. I honestly don’t know where to put myself. If it wasn’t for my alcoholism I don’t where I’d be. Thankfully I have a bottle of Gordon’s Gin in my desk drawer here at work and I am sipping from it. Admittedly it’s not Tanqueray or Stovell’s Wildcrafted Gin but this is work and who wants to drink the best while stuck at your desk. Not me. Not on your nelly. I will, however, be celebrating with them should the fabled courtesy gift arrive.

Just for peace of mind please can you confirm the delivery address I gave you, what the gifts will be and when they will be delivered? If not I will give you a piece of my mind. I’ve already opened communication with your complaints department and, while disagreeing over which is the best brand of gin, they are shocked at my ill-treatment, and rightly so, Joe.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

Social Media via 1dpzisqclg7vj7.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Dear Chris

I can assure the courtesy gifts are real. The depot have confirmed they will be sending a box of chocolates and bottle of champagne to the address you originally requested:

**** *******

****** ******

***************

**************

**** ***

We will also be sending flowers to the same address, although this is being sent from our head office. Again, I’d like to apologise for the trouble this has caused and hope you have a great day.

Kind regards,

Hemin
Social Media Team

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to Social

Dear Hemin,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I await with bated breath the courtesy gifts you so confidently assert will arrive. I do hope they’ll be delivered sooner rather than later or later rather than never as if I hold my breath for too long you’ll have a death on your hands which is something none of us wants. Except everyone on your social media response team.

I do hope that these legendary gifts find their way to the correct destination and with that in mind I’ll leave you with this quote that I think sums up this whole sorry saga:

Life is what happens when you’re busy arranging schedules with your friends and it sneaks up on you” – Kurt Cobain, 1998.

I look forward to the make-believe gifts in the post.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

 

There was free drugs stashed in the umbrella. Just saying.

There was free drugs stashed in the umbrella. Just saying.

Correspondence #3: DPD

Fuck you...

Fuck you…

I wasn’t going to post this particular correspondence because of the multiple people I was forced to correspond with, all with varying personalities, flamboyant grammar and sentence structure, and middling to okay sense of humours. But I’ve decided to post because of the time of year and the heart-warming resolution at the end of it.

It consistently baffles and amazes me how every little thing in general society fails to work properly. From buses and trains that repeatedly fail to arrive on time to my brain disengaging correspondence with my body when driving causing me to veer wildly across whole lanes of traffic and giving my instructor cause to wear nappies each time he gets in a car with me, there isn’t a thing on earth that doesn’t make my piss boil.

My most recent bugbear was the delivery people at DPD. Attempting multiple times to arrange and rearrange delivery of a parcel to my home vexed me so much it caused me to have to text my mother to ask her to sit in my pig-sty of a flat staring at the front door in order to sign for it when they arrived. I love my mam very much but engaging in a text conversation with her is more stressful than being attacked in my sleep with improvised weapons made of cardboard by my girlfriend’s adorably loud little son at 6am. More often than not the text messages I receive off my mam require a degree in modern languages and an hour of intense deliberation in order to decipher what it is she’s saying. The same goes with her general every day vernacular. As well as regularly referring to my brother as my dad, me as my brother and my dad as the pet dog, she also has a habit of muttering dizzying turns of phrase the likes of which cause my dad, brother and I to exchange confused and bewildered glances. Often she’ll say things like, ‘I’m making cake for the dinner afterwards for pudding later as dessert’ or something similarly bamboozling. She also has a clever way of presuming that everyone is talking to her regardless of whether she’s partaking in the conversation or, indeed, if she’s even in the same room. I’ve had conversations with my dad that unfold something like this:

‘Yeah, he should have started as a striker as he’s wasted on the wing,’ I’d state.
‘Without a doubt,’ my dad would chip in, ‘complete waste of a pair of football boots out there.’
At which point a distant voice, usually from upstairs, would pipe up:
‘What?’ My mam, a flight of stairs and two rooms away, would deduce that we were talking to her. ‘What are yous saying? Did you shout of me?’ We’d ignore her and carry on our discussion.
‘I need Newcastle to win on my accumulator but I’ll say a 7-0 home defeat. You?’ I’d continue.
‘Double figures defeat.’
Then a voice from upstairs: ‘what? Hello? What did you say? I can’t hear you.’ Then footsteps would carry across the ceiling and pitter-patter down the stairs. My mam would pop her head around the door, breathless: ‘Were you shouting of me?’
‘NO!’

Every conversation that occurs at my folks’ house involves a sub-conversation to remind her we’re not addressing her directly. And despite me being an idiot, she usually drops whatever she’s doing to attend to whatever I ask of her. Once, when in the Highlands of Scotland, I told her I’d contracted some form of poisoning from wild swimming in a river and she basically offered to come up and get me and take me home until I reminded her I was 33 and not 3. Bless her. She must really care for me though that may well change when she discovers that I’m going to pack her off to a nursing home when she’s outlived her usefulness.

 

DPD – Your Delivery 5012032174

Inbox
x

Social Media socialmedia@dpdgroup.co.uk via exn3ez146lzs.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 9 (2 days ago)

to me
Good afternoon Chris

I’m writing further to my earlier voicemail and in response to your tweet. I’m so sorry to learn that you have experienced difficulties with your delivery.After I left my message I called the driver straight back and was able to stay on the line whilst he delivered the parcel to your house and Mrs Peet signed for it.

With regards to your request to deliver to your neighbour, there is no reason that this couldn’t have happened with the way that your delivery was arranged by the sender, but the driver did mention that he had previously attempted to deliver to one of your neighbours who had refused to accept delivery.

We strive to deliver all parcels swiftly and promptly and upon this occasion we have not met expectations, for which I apologise. As your parcel has now been safely received I trust that all is now in order, however if you have any further concerns please do let us know.

Very best wishes

Julie
DPD Customer Services

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 9 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Julie,

Many thanks for your voicemail offering a potential solution to a problem that was resolved myself via 40 text messages, 14 phone calls and several threats towards random members of the public and my mother due to my frustration at DPD’s poor delivery service.

Having recently purchased an item that was comparable in price to that Ark of the Covenant thing the Nazi’s loved in the Harrison Fjord film ‘Raider Of The Lost Ark: The Adventures of Indiana Jones’, I was keen to have this delivered at the earliest convenience and not have to endure the unabashedly stupid comic-book adventure thrill ride in which Harrison Fjord’s character had to partake in order to get a hold of his own undeliverable item. Given my recent experience, unfortunately that’s turned out to be the case despite me not owning a fedora and bullwhip. Judging by the title of the film, I can only presume that Indy had attempted to have the Ark of the Covenant also delivered by DPD given how it ultimately ended up in the hands of the Nazis and everyone’s faces melted when it arrived 2 months late, not at Indy Jones’s house, but on a weird rock thing in the middle of the sea where it emitted a powerful light that killed dozens of people. It was a great movie though. My favourite bit was when Indy finally got the Ark delivered and you could see the relief in his face that he hadn’t threatened his mother with violence if she didn’t take the day off work to go to his house to sign for it.

Furthermore, it did distress me a lot to learn that my five requests to have my parcel delivered to one of my neighbours went unheeded. Except that one time you mentioned where my neighbour apparently refused to accept delivery of it. This is understandable as if it’s the neighbour I’m thinking of he still hasn’t forgiven me for the time he saw me in the street, stopped to make small talk and I pretended to be speaking to someone on my phone which then rang loudly at the mid-point of passing him. He still goes on about that sometimes.

But I digress. I really would have appreciated an acknowledgement that you at least attempted delivery to a neighbour. All I got was several photographs of the front, side and rear of my flat which, while it brought to my attention a potential guttering problem, it did seem to imply that your couriers have something of a voyeuristic component attached to their personalities.

And while your service offered multiple choices for redelivery should I not be home, my repeated attempts to option one of these was met with a radio silence the likes of which will not be seen until the nuclear apocalypse that’s due to occur whenever the next Terminator film says it will.

Is there any form of recompense for not meeting my delivery expectations? Ideally I’d like leather trousers but a cash prize would also be acceptable.

I expect to hear from you in due course.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via 32ycooggtbovek.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 10 (1 day ago)

to me
Hi Chris,

Thanks for getting back to us.I do have to commend you on the film references to a DPD delivery I’ve honestly never thought of one of our deliveries in this way. Although come to think of it we do track our drivers like Enemy of the state :O Staring my favourite actor Will Smith.

I’m sorry your parcel wasn’t delivered to you since the 3rd as it should have been and our driver have struggled to deliver to you or one of your neighbours. I know our drivers are franchise driver that attempted at your address. This does mean that they are only paid per successful delivery attempt as an incentive to do their best to get parcels delivered (none of Indiana’s treasure for Steve). I can now see this was delivered to you yesterday as you’ve said.

I’m really sorry that you have been through such an ordeal. I wouldn’t be able to get you a cash prize but I did enjoy reading your email as it was slightly different to those that we’re used to if you have a delivery in future please mail in and we’ll do everything we can to stop this happening in future although some steps have already been taken.  I really hope you do get those leather trousers but if there is any rock unturned or a question I’ve left unanswered please let me know.

Kindest regards
Simon
Social Media

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

3:25 PM (21 hours ago)

to Social
Dear Si,
Thanks for your friendly reply.

I too enjoy staring at my favourite actors in all the movies I like. Once, I stared at an image of Brad Pitt’s abs for so long that I developed a slight astigmatism in one of my eyes the side effects of which cause me to sweat and tremble profusely every time he appears on screen. I’ll admit that this has caused some concern from my girlfriend regarding my sexuality but even though I’m slightly curious, I can confirm that I’m probably not gay. Despite the existence of Brad, Andrea Pirlo and Lion-O from Thundercats.

Regarding the protracted delivery of my parcel, it has caused something of an issue with my mother who had to take the afternoon off work because of DPD’s repeated refusal to change my delivery. I know I made something of a joke regarding a compensatory gesture for me but when it comes to my mam I’m deadly serious. She does a lot for me and if she refuses to help me in my time of need she’ll certainly know about it. She can’t half take a punch that one. She lost a lot of flexi-time finishing work early to wait in for the parcel so it would be much appreciated if you could refund this flexi-time via email at your earliest convenience. I know she would appreciate the gesture. If you could gift wrap it, even better.

I expect this act of kindness will thoroughly make up for your repeated failure to deliver my present.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via rln3c3v01ttd.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

4:20 PM (20 hours ago)

to me
Hey Chris,

Thanks for your reply, I must say I admire your great respect for Brad Pitts abs :)In regards to your mother waiting in I agree that she would probably have been quite peeved for it to fail and wouldn’t be too impressed when you got back. I would like to offer that we send out a box of chocolates to her as a good will gesture. Is this something you think would make her feel better?

Thanks,
Alison

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

4:37 PM (20 hours ago)

to Social

Dear Alison,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

A box of chocolates sounds like a pleasant goodwill gesture. Will she get fries with that? She can take them or leave them to be honest but I was told to always ask.

If you could send the chocolates (and/or fries) to the following address and have them delivered personally from Mr Kriss Kringle then I promise I won’t send you the other 86 emails addressed to DPD Customer Care I have sitting in my drafts folder*. Many thanks indeed.

Mrs Ann Peet
**** *******
****** ******
***************
**** ***
Kind regards,
Chris
*this is dependent on the physical state of my now-delivered parcel. I’ve yet to get home to see it so you may well receive further correspondence from me should I be dissatisfied with the delivered package.

Social Media via cs03r51nsve3.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

5:52 PM (18 hours ago)

to me
Hey Chris,

I’m glad you said yes! Unfortunately we’re out of fries :'(On a brighter note, the chocolates are being arranged for you and I’ll drop you a quick email to let you know when they’ll get there.

Social Media via qctovxce0jppjx.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

5:56 PM (18 hours ago)

to me
Chris,

They will be there Monday, you’ll get a text with the one hour slot 🙂

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

6:41 PM (18 hours ago)

to Social

Dear Alison,

Many thanks for your friendly reply. Additional thanks for your goodwill gesture.

It pleases me greatly to know my mother will receive an early Christmas present of a box of expensive handmade personalised chocolates shipped in from Belgium especially and wrapped in a satin bow by you personally. It’s more than she’s getting off me because frankly she doesn’t deserve a thing given the amount of times she tried to get out of waiting at my flat for my parcel. You’re obviously a lovely person. I’ll send you a Christmas card occasionally by way of thanks.

I hope your Christmas is more Santa Claus and less Ebenezer Scrooge.

Happy Easter, Alison.

Kind regards,

Chris

Sent from my iPhone

Social Media via rccdbmvl8dv.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

6:27 AM (6 hours ago)

to me
Hey Chris,
Alison doesn’t start until 8 but I’ll make sure that she see’s this thanks so much for getting back to us and spreading the Christmas cheer I hope you have a great Christmas too 🙂

The Problem With Blogging

My blog is better than yours

My blog is better than yours…

There are many reasons that caused me to take up writing a blog and almost all of them are completely uninteresting. Actually all of them are completely uninteresting. The main reason that I joined 100% of the global population in choosing to write a blog is essentially the same reason that 100% of the global population choose to write a blog: because I have nothing interesting to say yet repeatedly try to keep saying it. Anyone who writes a blog basically discards all sense of creative substance, flings shit on a computer screen then tells all of their friends about it in the hope of amassing likes, retweets, comments and reacharounds. And let me tell you a harsh truth: in the two months that I’ve been blogging I’ve only copped one reacharound and it was absolutely amateurish.

Worse than ISIS, people who put xxx’s at the end of every Facebook comment, and anyone who pronounces the letter ‘h’ with a hard ‘h’ as if it’s a word itself, the most horrifyingly awful thing on earth is when someone posts a link on social media that’s preceded by the words ‘new’, ‘blog’, and ‘post’. That’s a guaranteed unfollow, or immediate self-harm session. I post mine to Facebook and Twitter all the time because if I didn’t then all people would be left with is status updates about what my latest trip to the toilet was like and no one wants that. Apart from a couple of you. Mind, I never commit blog posts to social networks with ‘new blog post’ written before it. I did that once and my viewing figures were minus four thousand despite logging out of my WordPress account, typing my blog address into Skynet then repeatedly refreshing the page in order to generate a high amount of views. A bit like when blokes sit on their hand to make it go numb before pleasuring themselves. Sure, it might feel like it’s someone else tugging you off, and it might be enjoyable in the short term, but you’re ultimately going to be woken up by a deafening sense of self-loathing and a gooey mess all over your computer screen.

But I’m going off on a tangent. One of the more enjoyable things I’ve discovered about writing a blog is the discovery of what is known as the ‘blogosphere’. This sounds far more inclusive and wide-ranging than it is which is basically a collective of dangerously bored human beings writing flimsy shit about what they had for tea, how hilarious their hilariously uninteresting offspring is turning out to be, or how pathetic they are at learning to drive. It’s all frivolous nonsense that no-one in their right mind should give two flying buggerfucks about what with everything else happening in the world right now like the war in Syria, everything in America, and David Cameron’s globulous fucking face.

The thing that keeps me interested in it all, however, is how seriously certain bloggers take their blogging. Uberbloggers. Due to me being a mere blogger and thus vacuously stupid, my overenthusiasm for sharing my blog posts has landed me in hot water with multiple blogging groups on Facebook who find it a slight on their general existence that I don’t take it as seriously as they do. Blogging and the subsequent sharing of your blog is a grave vocation and must be taken seriously. There are many serious commandments you must obey and take seriously. If you don’t take them seriously then you will face serious consequences. Take this exchange, for example, where I was banned from the UK Bloggers group for not commenting on a stranger’s blog post as per the rules of the group thus not taking it as seriously as they did:

You owe me a comment, sunshine.

You owe me a comment, sunshine.

Which was a perfectly rational response to a group of people so apparently desperate for strangers to comment on a blog every last one of them couldn’t give two shits about that they’d shoot you on sight if you didn’t conform to their exacting high standards. I’d already started writing a three-page complimentary comment about her Etsy shop and how everything on sale ended in .99 (like £179.99 for a tea cosy), and was explaining that I became interested in British politics because the Monster Raving Loony Party wanted to introduce a 99p coin to save on change when I received this correspondence not long after:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I NEED COMMENTS!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WON’T SOMEBODY COMMENT!

I was becoming a non-conformist; a rebel. An anarchist, if you will. I wasn’t adhering to strict blogging rules and thus I was unknowingly ostracising myself with every second that passed. Minutes later, I received a rather snooty response and found myself in Facebook-closed-blogging-discussion-group limbo. I was hanging in the ether between being accepted and rejected and soon found my place when I attempted to reply to the latest comment:

YOU SHALL NOT POST!

Many thanks for all your encouragement. It means so much to know that the blogosphere takes all the blogging very seriously. If we didn’t then that means we might actually enjoy all the blogging and sharing all the blogs to the blogosphere and then where would we be? Retraining pet seals in our local swimming pool that’s where.  I was barred from using the sea by other seal enthusiasts because I dressed my pet seal Rebecca in a hat and bow tie and banned for not taking it seriously enough. It’s just never-ending isn’t it?’

As you can see, my warm-hearted response hung limply in a void of nothingness like a dysfunctioned penis, and I was castigated and put on the naughty chair where all my attempts at a red-eyed, snotty-nosed apology were firmly rebuffed despite me not attempting one. As much as I’d enjoy and appreciate spending whole minutes of my time leaving a comment outlining my thoughts on a hair conditioner pack that revolutionised the way I wash my hair, or how a new lipstick about made me feel sexier than sex, I went to my safeplace (the toilet) and decided that I probably wouldn’t enjoy and appreciate it and would much prefer to take drugs, or sit in a warm chair for 11 hours instead.

I’ve since been allowed back into the group as I quite rightly presume that they’ve forgotten who I am given that all bloggers have a finite amount of brain cells with which to function. I know this for a fact as I, too, am a blogger and I, too, am writing things down for the world to see, and I, too, know that my blog is more influential than the Bible, Dandy and Beano put together.

Everyone thinks their blog is worth a read which is why most are eminently unreadable, especially if a blog post doesn’t fall within a remit of 140 characters or less, or happens to appear on Facebook alongside posts that include racism, evil devil children or Jeremy Corbyn. Having said that, there are a few blogs that I like to cast my eye over, the top four of which are listed here:

  1. My favourite blog
  2. My second favourite blog
  3. My third favourite blog
  4. My fourth favourite blog

So there you have it. My blog post about my blog about blogging about bloggers blogging about blogs is now finished. It turns out that the problem with all the blogs and blogging is all the bloggerers blogging. Shame that. I hope you enjoyed me blogging about blogs and if you feel you have something interesting to say about blogging, blogs, bloggers or bloggercise, or even if you fancy blogging about blogging about blogs yourself then feel free to mention my blog to all your friends, tell them my blog is the best and blogging is also the best. You can also comment about the blogs and all the other blogs such as my list of favourite blogs as long as your comment about my blog is three sentences long and made up entirely of vowels. Happy blogging bloggerers!

P.S. As a post-script to this, the word ‘blogging’ and its derivatives such as ‘blog’, ‘blogger’ and ‘self-involved lunatics’ appear approximately 90 times or more during this post. This was done on purpose because I… am a blogger.