Correspondence #9: Sky Bet

Addicted to penalty bets...

Addicted to penalty bets…

Everyone loves a bet. There aren’t many things that illicit such a heart-shitting thrill than risking all of your girlfriend’s life savings on a Gareth Bale hat-trick without her knowing then spunking the lot on drink and drugs.

This season my gambling success has been off the scale which is something of a relief because ever since my offspring arrived it’s been my sole source of income. Apart from benefit fraud and scratchcards. What really bothers me, however, is how long it takes a betting win to transfer from your betting account and into your bank account. According to the company I bet with – Skynet – it’s my bank’s fault that it takes a full working week for my winnings to fly through the air and nestle snugly into my extensive overdraft. This comes as something as a shock to be honest because when I transfer money from my bank into my Skynet account it switches instantaneously. I suspect Mafia involvement.

Anyway, the other day I transferred a massive £9 into my Skynet account and was dismayed to discover that £18 had instead been sent across, potentially decimating my overdraft and incurring the wrath of the bank charge. (Note: Incurring The Wrath of the Bank Charge is probably going to be the title of the autobiography that I plan to write when I die). I tweeted Skynet to find out what had gone wrong and apparently it was all my fault because everything is always my fault. I wanted some form of apology payment – perhaps a hot tip or a £500 complimentary top up to my betting funds – but they were having none of it.

To be honest, this correspondence isn’t even that interesting. I just want to brag about how well I’m doing when I spend my money – stolen or otherwise – on gambling, and win handsomely.



My mother’s actually called Ann, and she disapproves of my existence.



A learning computer…



Hillary Clinton FTW


Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, Arnie.

Winner, winner, chicken fucking dinner, Arnie.


I’d post more self-aggrandising images of betting wins but Skynet has apparently put a block on me using anymore bandwidth. Still, chippy teas all round…


Posted on 24/11/2016, in Human Beings Still Exist and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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