Correspondence #7: BPO Collections

The 'show me the money!' scene from Jerry Maguire.

The ‘show me the money!’ scene from Jerry Maguire.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been hounded by angry collection agencies or bailiffs. Once, after repeatedly forgetting to pay my drug dealer for a large stash of illegal drugs, he sent what I could only presume to be a bailiff round to my house to collect the debt that way. I’d read that you should never open the door if a bailiff comes calling but thankfully I was on the toilet and in some distress when he arrived so I couldn’t make it to the door anyway. There was a lot of knocking and he tried the handle a few times but I literally couldn’t budge from the toilet without fainting so he got bored and left after about an hour. I later learned he was a psychotic and heavily armed thug and was attempting to remove the door from its hinges in order to get me but was scared off by the little old lady next door turning on her telly at 10,000 decibels. That’s all definitely a true story.

The below correspondence is a obviously an equivalent digital version of the above anecdote.

 

Our Client: British Telecom
BPO Reference No: 110033010
Principal Sum: £38.06
Administrative Fee: £7.61

29/03/2016

Dear Mr Chris Peet

We refer to the above and are writing to advise that our client has instructed BPO Collections Ltd (“BPO”) to recover the outstanding amount of £38.06 owed to them. Please be aware that British Telecom has passed the account to BPO to collect the full outstanding balance and request that all payments be made directly to BPO.

Whilst this account remains unpaid, details are being registered with one or more Credit Reference Agencies. Failure to settle your account or enter into a repayment plan may significantly affect your chances of obtaining credit in the future.

Payment may be made by

  • Calling BPO and speak to one of our trained advisors where you can pay by Card or set up a Direct Debit
  • Calling our 24hr Automated Payment Line
  • Pay by Card online at www.bpopay.co.uk
  • Online Banking / Bank Transfer, Royal Bank of Scotland, Sort Code ********, Account Number ******** quoting your BPO reference number
  • Please send Cheques / Bankers Draft / Postal Orders to our address

If you are experiencing difficulty in making these repayments please see below for useful websites and contact details that provide free advice.

If you wish to speak to one of our trained advisors please contact our office on 0141 375 0900.

Citizens Advice Bureau
0844 111 444,
www.citizensadvice.org.uk

StepChange
0800 138 1111 FREE, www.stepchange.org

National Debtline
0808 808 4000 FREE, www.nationaldebtline.co.uk

Yours Sincerely

Graham Rankin
Managing Director
BPO Collections Ltd

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 31 March 2016 09:34
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear C3P0 Connections Ltd,

Many thanks for your friendly email.

With reference to an angryface email I’ve received from British Telecom regarding an unpaid debt of £38.06 I’m apparently liable for, I was actually advised to contact you to discuss my financial circumstances until you kindly contacted me yourselves with lots of bold words, digital signatures and love. Given my general hatred of human beings and telephones as well as my inability to count to anything higher than the number of fingers I have on my hands, I much prefer to use email correspondence as opposed to dialling and then speaking to someone on the blower. Due to years of recreational drug abuse, my slightly slurred speech would simply be annoying to whoever I was speaking to.

According to the ubergruppenfuhrers at BT HQ, several reminders about the above debt were sent to me, although the aforementioned head honchos neglected to inform me what type of reminders these were. I should only presume they were letter reminders which may be something of a problem as I no longer live at the address at which my BT account was active which means they’ll be sitting unopened and unloved on the floor of my former residence, perhaps wondering what they’ve done to deserve this neglect. The new tenant there certainly hasn’t forwarded them to me which is understandable as I never forward post that is addressed to previous residents. Usually they go straight in the bin or used as emergency toilet paper unless they were birthday cards in which case I’d open them, pocket any money that was inside then blue tack the cards to the wall to make it look as though it was my 5th birthday.

I apologise for not receiving the reminders but now that I know I am in debt I will endeavour to make payment at the earliest opportunity. While my financial circumstances don’t currently stretch to £38.06 I would be happy to discuss other ways in which to clear this. At present I am funding my drug habit by pilfering money from the petty cash at work and given how lax the security is at the office coupled with my questionable moral compass, I am more than willing to take an additional few notes if it will help resolve this debt. Please let me know if this would be acceptable.

I’ve also added an administrative fee of £19.80 to cover the cost of sending this email and should expect this to be deducted from the total debt.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Chris

—–

On Thu, Apr 14, 2016 at 10:28 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning

Thank you for your email. We are glad to hear that you are looking to get this resolved with us.

However the £19.80 administration fee you mentioned does not alter the balance as this charge is not mutually agreed in a court of law. Furthermore, theft is not an advisable way to clear the balance.

Can I please ask you to fill out the attached income and expenditure form and return it to myself via email. This is just to ensure that this payment is financially suitable for yourself and is not going to cause financial hardship. Can you please also advise if all priority bills are up to date at the moment.

Once this is received I will review your incomings and outgoings and put your repayment arrangement in place. I will send you an email with confirmation of your arrangement.

In the meantime I have placed your account on hold for 7 days to allow you time to fill in and resend the attached form.

Please be aware failure to contact ourselves after 7 days will result in your account going in to default and further contact will be made either by email\letter. telephone call or text.

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact myself.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Millington
Administration Assistant
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 14 April 2016 15:58
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear Jordy,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am glad to hear that you are glad to hear that I am looking to get this resolved with you. I appreciate you reducing the balance by £19.80 but if you could round it up to £20 to simplify things for me when it comes to figuring out the final debt owed that would be much appreciated. I feel my arithmetic skills are sharp because I regularly play darts but just to be clear that with the £20 reduction the current £38.06 debt will now be £12.50? Many thanks for confirming this as it will be a lot easier to pay off.

As requested I have printed out and filled in the expenditure form that you attached. I have sent it via Royal Mail, and, because I’ve seen the Back To The Future trilogy at least once and have a poster of Doc Emmett Brown on my bedroom wall despite how much this upsets my girlfriend, I have ensured that it will be delivered by the DeLorean time machine as seen on TV. I will post it tomorrow at 88mph so you should receive it last week and this will cut out a lot of the waiting around time. This is all at no extra cost to you apart from the aforementioned £20.00 which you have agreed to waive.

I extend additional thanks for placing my account on hold for 7 days while I endeavour to resolve this. According to Craig David’s seminal 2000 chart hit ‘7 Days’, during this period of time he met a girl on the Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, made love on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday then chilled on the Sunday. I expect he wasn’t worrying about an unpaid BT bill either as this might have affected his performance. I won’t hold out much hope for a week like that so the best that I am expecting is the agreed reduction of the debt to £12.50, and I hope to pay this in due course.

I trust this will settle the matter.

Kind regards,

Chris

—–

On Fri, May 6, 2016 at 10:47 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.

I can confirm that we have not agreed to lower the balance and the full total outstanding is £38.06.

Just in-case my previous email was misunderstood, I have sent out the income and expenditure form to establish affordability on any payments you make.

Due to the terms and conditions of your BT contract the full balance is fully outstanding and you are legally liable for £38.06.

We are keen to see how you are looking to resolve this balance. Your account is currently on hold to await your response till the 21/4/16.

After this time the account will go back to on-going and further contact will be made either by call/letter/text/email.

Any further queries don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Millington
Administration Assistant
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 6 May 2016 11:33
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear J-Mill,

Many thanks for your friendly reply which has taken a month to arrive. I can only presume there was a disruption in the space time continuum for it to have taken this long to arrive. When I sent my expenditure form via the DeLorean time machine it ended up in 1955 at Lorraine Bain McFly’s house and not in your inbox as previously confirmed. Many apologies for this.

Once again I extend my thanks for you agreeing to reduce the outstanding balance to £10 as per my previous email. This is a big help. With regard your keenness to see how I’m looking to resolve this balance, I have spent three days with my hand down the back of the settee searching for spare change and although I’ve only discovered 12p I did find the remote control for the television which had been missing for two months. This came as a huge relief to my girlfriend as she was sick of having to stand up and walk to the TV every time I wanted the channel changed which is about fifty times an hour due to my extremely low attention span. Plus she’s nearly eight months pregnant so the repeated effort of standing up and sitting down was causing her breathing difficulties. One night she said she was too tired to make my tea because of it which is just plain selfish.

Thanks also for holding the account balance until 21st April 2016 when you will once again set it loose on me. As your email arrived on 6th May I can only presume the email delays in the space time continuum are currently prolonged and extensive. I have emailed Dr Emmett Brown at Tech Support to see if he can help us out.

In the meantime, I am close to being able to clear the balance. If I add the sofa 12p to my current savings it means I will have approximately £2.50 which is only another £2.50 away from having the full amount.

Would you like me to pay this half of the balance now? I have my own chequebook, pen and signature.

Kind regards,

Chris

—–

On Tue, May 17, 2016 at 11:18 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning,

Thank you for your email.

I would advise that you take this situation seriously. Failure to clear the outstanding balance could result in a negative credit rating and additional charges so it is in your best interest to make a payment as soon as possible.

We cannot accept ‘spare change from the back of the settee’ as a payment plan, nor has the balance been reduced to £5. You are still liable for the full amount of £38.06.

If you are having trouble paying the balance then please don’t hesitate to contact me as I will be able to help you set up a payment plan.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Kibble
Admin. Supervisor
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 17 May 2016 11:33
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope…

—–

On Fri, May 20, 2016 at 13:06 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Dear Mr Peet,

With reference to the ongoing correspondence with BPO Collections regarding your outstanding balance of £38.06, please be aware that your account will remain on hold until such time that you are able to comfortably make payment in line with your current financial circumstances.

Please do not hesitate to contact us with regards this payment at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Kibble
Admin. Supervisor
BPO Collections Limited

—–

From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 20 May 2016 15:22
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear Obi Wan Kenobi,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

By the time I have acquired enough funds to pay the balance, apes will have taken over the planet so I will send a monkey foot soldier with a bag of bartered gold to pay the bill.

I trust this will finally settle the matter.

Hail Caesar!

Kind regards,

Chris

 

 

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Posted on 22/05/2016, in Human Beings Still Exist and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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