Monthly Archives: May 2016

A Wrong’un On The Road: The Final Journey

'Tree-folk person'

‘Tree-folk person’


‘You’ve given it a go but maybe driving just isn’t for you?’ – my mother.

‘How can’t you do it!?’ – my brother, Anthony.

‘I don’t understand! You’re not usually this thick. How can’t you drive?!’ – my mate, Emma.

‘Driving’s fucking easy. What’s wrong with you?’ – my best mate, Phil.

‘Slow, turn, TURN, STOP, STOP! STOPPPP! STOP NOW! BRAKE! BRAKE! JESUS!’ – my loving fiancée, Laura.

These are just a handful of comments I’ve received from some of my nearest and dearest in relation to my overblown, protracted and quite ridiculously inept attempts at learning to drive. In all honesty I thought I’d have killed myself on the road by now, and by that I mean in a fit of bug-eyed frustration whereby I’ve flipped and high-tailed the car at 80mph off the side of a bridge – the irony being that I wouldn’t know what sodding gear it was meant to be in in order to reach 80mph. As it is I’ve struggled through with only a few minor scrapes, just the two crashes, a handful of deranged looking drivers throwing various hand signals at me, a hopeful confidence that has been well and truly crushed, and a bank account that spits bile at me whenever I attempt to withdraw money from it to pay for a lesson.

Those above quotes are pretty representative of just how bewildered I am at my inability to learn the basics of driving. It’s utterly infuriating that I don’t have a sodding clue what I’m doing especially when I see some of the half-evolved fuckwits that currently patrol the roads in their souped up little shitwagons. I hate to spaff on my own ego here but how come some post-pubescent pisspot with a face so smug you’d happily punch it every day until the end of time can whizz around in their pimp-mobile with one finger on the steering wheel and fly into a parking space with perfect precision at 65mph while I spend about 15 minutes attempting to adjust my seat, start the car and move away before stalling at the first junction? It’s a desperately infuriating state of affairs that my brain just refuses to engage with the concept of driving.

Imagine driving with just one hand on the wheel. Fucking cartoon show off fuck.

Imagine driving with just one hand on the wheel. Fucking cartoon show off fuck.

The way I’m braying on about it, anyone stumbling across this post would understandably presume I’ve only had about a half-dozen lessons and that I’ll eventually get the hang of it so it’s probably pertinent to leave a reminder here that I’m 36 lessons in. Thirty-six. That equates to about 60 hours worth of tuition with various instructors, all of whom are baffled, shocked or a combination of both that I can only pull away at junctions 50% of the time, repeatedly drive through red lights because I’m too busy staring at my feet wondering how my left foot has ended up on the accelerator, or constantly swerve across lanes as if I’ve spent the preceding few hours mainlining whisky into my basilic vein. In all seriousness, it depresses me that I’m completely unable to grasp the fundamentals of manoeuvring a car especially when I’m a fabulous passenger driver. I can see idiocy and dangerous driving a mile off yet when I decide to drive a car I’m the epitome of it. It’s like I undergo a small but vicious lobotomy the minute I put the key in the ignition.

After 60 hours of driving tuition I still struggle to put the car into the correct gear resulting in it spewing out a noise similar to what I can only presume is the automobile equivalent of hocking up a massive pile of phlegm and regurgitating it onto the road; whenever I approach a junction or roundabout I’m unable to prevent the car going into what I call ‘judder mode’ whereby the car shakes relentlessly as I’ve no idea what gear it’s meant to be in, and suggests I’d be much more at home driving a car on the dodgems at the funfair; parking has become an exercise in absolute embarrassment as I have zero spatial awareness, and it’s still absolutely mesmerising to me that humans can manoeuvre a car into a small rectangular shape without slamming it into an adjoining parked vehicle – my parking attempts consist of eight to ten manoeuvres, three stalls which include knocking the wipers on and off multiple times, and several bumps of the kerb and anyone who happens to be walking near it, spread out over two parking spaces. It’s ritual humiliation and I’m actually paying hard cash for it.

The most recent indignity involved a roundabout, a tractor, my instructor grabbing the wheel shouting ‘fuck!’ at the top of his lungs, a lot of screaming on my part, and the car thumping into the huge tractor wheels before we spluttered to the side of the road whereby I ended the lesson early and returned home to empty the drinks cabinet. I don’t think driving was meant to be this cumbersome.

One of the more annoying aspects of being this far into failing at learning to drive is the relentless positivity from other human beings about my progress, or lack thereof. It’s quite impressive the level at which people dismiss my concerns and overall fears when even thinking about actually getting inside a vehicle, let alone attempting to drive the bastard. If one more person suggests I’m better than I think I am, that it’ll all just click into place, that I should just stick with it, that I’ll get there eventually, or that it’ll all be worth it in the end, then I’m quite happy to go all Michael Douglas in Falling Down and unload on them with a hastily made sawn-off and a lot of sweating and pontificating about how bad the burgers are in my local fast food restaurant. What these bad prats don’t realise is that I’ve developed such a fear of cars that I now develop nausea whenever a car pulls up outside of my house lest I panic and think someone will knock on the door and ask me to drive it for some reason. I’m actually hypothesising imaginary scenarios involving having to move a car from A to B. That’s not good. The last driving lesson I had I politely asked my instructor if I could just sit in the passenger seat, watch him drive and learn that way instead of actually driving. He looked at me as if I’d just been sick on his lap, and bundled me into the driving seat as if I was being kidnapped.

Of course, the upsetting thing about all of this is that I actually want to drive. I want to be able to get around town without having to rely on public transport and the consequent guarantee that I’ll be accompanied on the bus journey by a 15 stone human sasquatch who slams his globulous frame right next to me, smells of wet dog and keeps inadvertently touching me with his fat arse each time the bus goes round a roundabout. I can do without all that malarkey.

This is something of a serious and sobering blog post as it’s the end of an era for me. An era that’s cost me my dignity, my finances, my patience, temperament and sanity, any semblance of confidence I once had, and a highly attuned hatred of anything that’s able to drive a car. Obviously I’m not bitter at all. Obviously. That would just be silly. Silly and immature. Silly and immature and pathetic. But fuck you, you petrolhead fucks.

As a postscript, I’ll leave you with this quote and clip from the existential genius, Mark Corrigan of Peep Show:

‘That’s it. I resign. I give up. No more lessons. The machines have won. I shall take to the hills and live with the tree-folk people’.

Correspondence #7: BPO Collections

The 'show me the money!' scene from Jerry Maguire.

The ‘show me the money!’ scene from Jerry Maguire.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been hounded by angry collection agencies or bailiffs. Once, after repeatedly forgetting to pay my drug dealer for a large stash of illegal drugs, he sent what I could only presume to be a bailiff round to my house to collect the debt that way. I’d read that you should never open the door if a bailiff comes calling but thankfully I was on the toilet and in some distress when he arrived so I couldn’t make it to the door anyway. There was a lot of knocking and he tried the handle a few times but I literally couldn’t budge from the toilet without fainting so he got bored and left after about an hour. I later learned he was a psychotic and heavily armed thug and was attempting to remove the door from its hinges in order to get me but was scared off by the little old lady next door turning on her telly at 10,000 decibels. That’s all definitely a true story.

The below correspondence is a obviously an equivalent digital version of the above anecdote.


Our Client: British Telecom
BPO Reference No: 110033010
Principal Sum: £38.06
Administrative Fee: £7.61


Dear Mr Chris Peet

We refer to the above and are writing to advise that our client has instructed BPO Collections Ltd (“BPO”) to recover the outstanding amount of £38.06 owed to them. Please be aware that British Telecom has passed the account to BPO to collect the full outstanding balance and request that all payments be made directly to BPO.

Whilst this account remains unpaid, details are being registered with one or more Credit Reference Agencies. Failure to settle your account or enter into a repayment plan may significantly affect your chances of obtaining credit in the future.

Payment may be made by

  • Calling BPO and speak to one of our trained advisors where you can pay by Card or set up a Direct Debit
  • Calling our 24hr Automated Payment Line
  • Pay by Card online at
  • Online Banking / Bank Transfer, Royal Bank of Scotland, Sort Code ********, Account Number ******** quoting your BPO reference number
  • Please send Cheques / Bankers Draft / Postal Orders to our address

If you are experiencing difficulty in making these repayments please see below for useful websites and contact details that provide free advice.

If you wish to speak to one of our trained advisors please contact our office on 0141 375 0900.

Citizens Advice Bureau
0844 111 444,

0800 138 1111 FREE,

National Debtline
0808 808 4000 FREE,

Yours Sincerely

Graham Rankin
Managing Director
BPO Collections Ltd


From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 31 March 2016 09:34
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear C3P0 Connections Ltd,

Many thanks for your friendly email.

With reference to an angryface email I’ve received from British Telecom regarding an unpaid debt of £38.06 I’m apparently liable for, I was actually advised to contact you to discuss my financial circumstances until you kindly contacted me yourselves with lots of bold words, digital signatures and love. Given my general hatred of human beings and telephones as well as my inability to count to anything higher than the number of fingers I have on my hands, I much prefer to use email correspondence as opposed to dialling and then speaking to someone on the blower. Due to years of recreational drug abuse, my slightly slurred speech would simply be annoying to whoever I was speaking to.

According to the ubergruppenfuhrers at BT HQ, several reminders about the above debt were sent to me, although the aforementioned head honchos neglected to inform me what type of reminders these were. I should only presume they were letter reminders which may be something of a problem as I no longer live at the address at which my BT account was active which means they’ll be sitting unopened and unloved on the floor of my former residence, perhaps wondering what they’ve done to deserve this neglect. The new tenant there certainly hasn’t forwarded them to me which is understandable as I never forward post that is addressed to previous residents. Usually they go straight in the bin or used as emergency toilet paper unless they were birthday cards in which case I’d open them, pocket any money that was inside then blue tack the cards to the wall to make it look as though it was my 5th birthday.

I apologise for not receiving the reminders but now that I know I am in debt I will endeavour to make payment at the earliest opportunity. While my financial circumstances don’t currently stretch to £38.06 I would be happy to discuss other ways in which to clear this. At present I am funding my drug habit by pilfering money from the petty cash at work and given how lax the security is at the office coupled with my questionable moral compass, I am more than willing to take an additional few notes if it will help resolve this debt. Please let me know if this would be acceptable.

I’ve also added an administrative fee of £19.80 to cover the cost of sending this email and should expect this to be deducted from the total debt.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,



On Thu, Apr 14, 2016 at 10:28 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning

Thank you for your email. We are glad to hear that you are looking to get this resolved with us.

However the £19.80 administration fee you mentioned does not alter the balance as this charge is not mutually agreed in a court of law. Furthermore, theft is not an advisable way to clear the balance.

Can I please ask you to fill out the attached income and expenditure form and return it to myself via email. This is just to ensure that this payment is financially suitable for yourself and is not going to cause financial hardship. Can you please also advise if all priority bills are up to date at the moment.

Once this is received I will review your incomings and outgoings and put your repayment arrangement in place. I will send you an email with confirmation of your arrangement.

In the meantime I have placed your account on hold for 7 days to allow you time to fill in and resend the attached form.

Please be aware failure to contact ourselves after 7 days will result in your account going in to default and further contact will be made either by email\letter. telephone call or text.

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact myself.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Millington
Administration Assistant
BPO Collections Limited


From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 14 April 2016 15:58
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear Jordy,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am glad to hear that you are glad to hear that I am looking to get this resolved with you. I appreciate you reducing the balance by £19.80 but if you could round it up to £20 to simplify things for me when it comes to figuring out the final debt owed that would be much appreciated. I feel my arithmetic skills are sharp because I regularly play darts but just to be clear that with the £20 reduction the current £38.06 debt will now be £12.50? Many thanks for confirming this as it will be a lot easier to pay off.

As requested I have printed out and filled in the expenditure form that you attached. I have sent it via Royal Mail, and, because I’ve seen the Back To The Future trilogy at least once and have a poster of Doc Emmett Brown on my bedroom wall despite how much this upsets my girlfriend, I have ensured that it will be delivered by the DeLorean time machine as seen on TV. I will post it tomorrow at 88mph so you should receive it last week and this will cut out a lot of the waiting around time. This is all at no extra cost to you apart from the aforementioned £20.00 which you have agreed to waive.

I extend additional thanks for placing my account on hold for 7 days while I endeavour to resolve this. According to Craig David’s seminal 2000 chart hit ‘7 Days’, during this period of time he met a girl on the Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, made love on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday then chilled on the Sunday. I expect he wasn’t worrying about an unpaid BT bill either as this might have affected his performance. I won’t hold out much hope for a week like that so the best that I am expecting is the agreed reduction of the debt to £12.50, and I hope to pay this in due course.

I trust this will settle the matter.

Kind regards,



On Fri, May 6, 2016 at 10:47 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.

I can confirm that we have not agreed to lower the balance and the full total outstanding is £38.06.

Just in-case my previous email was misunderstood, I have sent out the income and expenditure form to establish affordability on any payments you make.

Due to the terms and conditions of your BT contract the full balance is fully outstanding and you are legally liable for £38.06.

We are keen to see how you are looking to resolve this balance. Your account is currently on hold to await your response till the 21/4/16.

After this time the account will go back to on-going and further contact will be made either by call/letter/text/email.

Any further queries don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely,

Jordan Millington
Administration Assistant
BPO Collections Limited


From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 6 May 2016 11:33
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear J-Mill,

Many thanks for your friendly reply which has taken a month to arrive. I can only presume there was a disruption in the space time continuum for it to have taken this long to arrive. When I sent my expenditure form via the DeLorean time machine it ended up in 1955 at Lorraine Bain McFly’s house and not in your inbox as previously confirmed. Many apologies for this.

Once again I extend my thanks for you agreeing to reduce the outstanding balance to £10 as per my previous email. This is a big help. With regard your keenness to see how I’m looking to resolve this balance, I have spent three days with my hand down the back of the settee searching for spare change and although I’ve only discovered 12p I did find the remote control for the television which had been missing for two months. This came as a huge relief to my girlfriend as she was sick of having to stand up and walk to the TV every time I wanted the channel changed which is about fifty times an hour due to my extremely low attention span. Plus she’s nearly eight months pregnant so the repeated effort of standing up and sitting down was causing her breathing difficulties. One night she said she was too tired to make my tea because of it which is just plain selfish.

Thanks also for holding the account balance until 21st April 2016 when you will once again set it loose on me. As your email arrived on 6th May I can only presume the email delays in the space time continuum are currently prolonged and extensive. I have emailed Dr Emmett Brown at Tech Support to see if he can help us out.

In the meantime, I am close to being able to clear the balance. If I add the sofa 12p to my current savings it means I will have approximately £2.50 which is only another £2.50 away from having the full amount.

Would you like me to pay this half of the balance now? I have my own chequebook, pen and signature.

Kind regards,



On Tue, May 17, 2016 at 11:18 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Good Morning,

Thank you for your email.

I would advise that you take this situation seriously. Failure to clear the outstanding balance could result in a negative credit rating and additional charges so it is in your best interest to make a payment as soon as possible.

We cannot accept ‘spare change from the back of the settee’ as a payment plan, nor has the balance been reduced to £5. You are still liable for the full amount of £38.06.

If you are having trouble paying the balance then please don’t hesitate to contact me as I will be able to help you set up a payment plan.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Kibble
Admin. Supervisor
BPO Collections Limited


From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 17 May 2016 11:33
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope…


On Fri, May 20, 2016 at 13:06 AM, BPO Collections (BT) wrote:

Dear Mr Peet,

With reference to the ongoing correspondence with BPO Collections regarding your outstanding balance of £38.06, please be aware that your account will remain on hold until such time that you are able to comfortably make payment in line with your current financial circumstances.

Please do not hesitate to contact us with regards this payment at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Kibble
Admin. Supervisor
BPO Collections Limited


From: Chris James Peet
Sent: 20 May 2016 15:22
To: BPO Collections (BT)
Subject: Re: Important Information regarding your British Telecom Account – Please Do Not Ignore

Dear Obi Wan Kenobi,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

By the time I have acquired enough funds to pay the balance, apes will have taken over the planet so I will send a monkey foot soldier with a bag of bartered gold to pay the bill.

I trust this will finally settle the matter.

Hail Caesar!

Kind regards,




5 Ways Children Change Your Life… For The Worse

As you’re no doubt unaware, it’s gone completely unnoticed that I’d decided to take a few weeks off writing and updating this blog, mainly because I fucking hate every aspect of maintaining one and there are far more pressing concerns to attend to such as crashing my instructor’s car into random tractors during my driving lessons, and achieving my dream of quitting my job without another one lined up. Added to this is the fact that time as we know it is currently very much the same therefore it’s getting closer and closer to Laura squeezing a small baby out of her hoo-ha that I’m told I might well have to look after, and that one day, I fear, may grow to kill me.

So, as you can imagine, my intermittent life at present doesn’t leave much time for such things as writing shit for the internet. Thankfully, all is not lost as there is a human being who is very much on a par with me in regard to hating the world, everyone in it and society’s disappointing lack of enthusiasm to embrace the apocalypse in whatever form. His name is Jonjo and we became firm friends many years ago because of drugs. Which is how most true friendships start because who else wants to interact with another human being while sober? Fuck that.

Jonjo has very kindly agreed to write a guest post about parenting because, as a parent of at least one child that we’re aware of, he knows what’s what when it comes to navigating the terrifying waters of parenthood, the disturbing human beings that new parents encounter and the general gist of realising that all children are vicious little bastards.

My gracious thanks go to Jonjo, his facial hair and all those nights when we took our tops off and hugged.



5 Ways Children Change Your Life… For The Worse

Words: Jonjo McNeill

Who told you you could eat my cookies?

Who told you you could eat my cookies?

One thing I noticed when reading this blog is that the author is expecting a child to claw its way out of his other half’s vagina in the near future. This is understandably distressing news for any human as it means certain lifestyle changes need to be implemented. For me it was going from smoking crack every evening after work to smoking crack every morning on the way to work. One must adapt. If I was expecting a child the last thing I’d want to do is read the millions of articles and books intended to prepare you for the most seismic change you’ll know in your life. They’re all the same – start off with a bit about how you’ve read the books, decorated the bedroom, blah blah blah, followed by some terrifying statistics and concluded with a sickly sweet monologue extolling the virtues of fatherhood/motherhood, all designed to project some sort of bullshit persona that doesn’t exist anywhere in the world.

If you’re up the duff, or dealing with a housemate who is, read this article, which is designed specifically to scare the living shit out of anybody with a soon-to-be-living mini-shit by telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the fucking truth.

Here are five ways children change your life…FOR THE WORSE.


5. People Insist On Coming To Your House

Don't answer the door...

Don’t answer the door…

The first thing on your mind when bringing your child home for the first time is how to fill the rooms, and time you savour, with as many people as possible. Day one might be okay – siblings, parents, your dealer – but after this it’s an unending procession of unwanted box-tickers going through the motions, repeating words like “eyes” and “nappies”. They all bring presents as well – but not good presents. They bring something they picked up on the way, like clothes for a 4 year old of the opposite sex. Or the same book three other people brought you BECAUSE THEY LOVED IT AS A CHILD. What you really want is some hard liquor, cigarettes or a hilarious baby-sized t-shirt from

When not under siege from what some people call ‘friends and family’, you find yourself doorstepped by do-gooders from the authorities, who will come in your house, strip your child naked and force them to sit on a cold metal platform to check their weight. They call them ‘health visitors’ but really they’re undercover police bastards, there to determine who deserves to have a child and who should be thrown in the river with the other junkies.

It’s bad enough that the youngling is invading your privacy.


4. An Alien Comes Out Of A Woman (And Turns You Into A Cannibal)



I’m not talking about the baby, although yes. Rather I refer to the placenta – a big lump of body-matter that slops out of the torn genitalia moments after the child, growling and trying to attach itself to the nearest human face in order to doom mankind to a future ruled by acid-spitting space bastards. Nobody prepares you for the sight of that thing. Also, it stinks. Some lunatics actually eat this foreign body, claiming it is full of nutrients (much like a hilarious seasonal jumper from The fact of the matter is, you’re eating human matter. You’re a cannibal.


3. Something The Size Of A Baby Takes Up An Entire House

Weapons. Always with the weapons.

Murderous little sods

Here are a list of just some of the things you are led to believe you need to raise a child in your home:
▪       A wooden prison cell
▪       A plastic bathtub to put inside your perfectly usable regular bathtub
▪       A machine that boils water and steams bottles
▪       A suction cup to remove breast milk
▪       A bottle to store removed breast milk
▪       A machine to clean the bottles and breast pumps
▪       Carton upon carton of powdered milk substitute for when the breasts and/or breast pump don’t do the trick
▪       All of the nappies
▪       A lock for your stash tin
▪       An attractive hoodie from
▪       High shelves to put everything that could be broken on (everything can be broken BTW. Get big shelves)
▪       A car seat
▪       A pushchair
▪       A smaller pushchair
▪       Child proof lighters
▪       Shitloads of something called ‘muslin’
▪       Arse cream
▪       Scented shit-bags
▪       Talcum powder
▪       A special set of drawers with a crap-proof mat on top
▪       Enough tiny clothes for circa nine changes a day

That’s what you’ll need for the first ten minutes. After that you’re on your own.

Fortunately, you can make space by selling your own bed, as you’ll be sleeping in a bus seat, in the office toilets or in your own back garden for the next six months.


2. You’re Suddenly Responsible For Another Person’s Finances

Little shits...

Some folk give your bairn money as a present. Don’t make the mistake I made and spend it on witty mugs from, as the giver will in all likelihood take offence. Apparently, any money given to new parents is to be placed in a trust fund to help the child out in the future. Now, call me a nit-picker, but surely the child must actually make it into the future for that money to be any use whatsoever? How can that child be expected to live up to 18 years if I can’t spend his child trust fund on lottery tickets, jazz mags and exotic European lagers? A happy dad is a happy child. Remember those words.



Fuck. The. Fuck. Off.

Fuck. The. Fuck. Off.

The worst thing about having a child – worse than the constant smell of shit, worse than the average 12 minute sleep per night, worse than the hormones and the hunger and the exhaustion and the absolutely crippling withdrawal symptoms – is the feeling of eyes burning holes into you at every opportunity. YOU’RE HOLDING HIM WRONG. YOU SHOULDN’T TICKLE HIS FEET. YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE HE SLEEPS ON HIS SIDE. OR BACK. OR FRONT. OR SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING. BREAST IS BEST! BREAST IS WORST! EITHER IS FINE! LOOK AT THAT POOR BOY’S SHOES. WHAT’S THE RASH ON HIS FACE? HOW COME YOU HAVEN’T CLEANED THAT SICK OUT OF HIS HAIR? IT’S FREEZING, WHY ISN’T HE WEARING A SOMETHINGVICIOUS.COM SWEATER? It goes on, and on, and on. Eventually you’ll stop caring, but it’s a shit feeling when you’re waiting for someone to send that intrusive nanny bastard off the telly round to take your son away and set fire to your hair.

So there you are. A little island of truth in a vast sea of positive-thinking bollocks. Having a kid is great, but not for the first 6-12 months when basically you’re looking after the shittest puppy in the world. Enjoy your pregnancies and your 24 hour labours because that little fucker’s main goal until its first birthday is to make you unlearn everything you know about how to enjoy life successfully.

See you in 18 years, chump.


In grateful thanks to comrade Jonjo.

You might not know this but Jonjo runs a spectacular online t-shirt empire at He’s like the Walter White of t-shirt cartels except he has more hair and hasn’t killed as many people.