Monthly Archives: March 2016

Correspondence #6: BT

Bee Tee


I’ve briefly touched on this in a previous post but one of the more annoying things about living as a human being is the depressing reality that almost everything that’s ever been conceived by man doesn’t really work. Bus timetabling, Newcastle United Football Club and dysfunctional penises are just a few examples of how every sodding thing on this planet simply refuses to work properly. Even making toast for breakfast in the morning has become an exercise in flamboyant swearing, closed eyes and gentle whispers to oneself to not throw the toaster through the kitchen window when it eviscerates the bread despite being on the lowest setting. Also, why doesn’t bread fit in the toaster? You would think toasters would be manufactured to comfortably accommodate a slice but instead the top sticks out like a crown of untoasted evil, glaring at you with yeastful spite. Bread is a bastard.

What I’m getting at is whenever you want something to work, it just doesn’t. Case in point being all broadband services on earth. For reasons only known to General Robert E. Lee – the bloke who invented the internet for you ignoramuses who don’t have any common knowledge – whenever a human being sits down to watch a Netflix, that little buffer circle thing is guaranteed to appear and exasperate you to the point of wanting to smash your own teeth in with the hammer you’re using to bludgeon the home-hub with. 

Our broadband connection goes mental roughly 400 times a week so the other day, after Laura texted me the below image, I finally snapped and decided to get in touch with India in order to try and ascertain why. I was at work at the time so naturally I was placed last in a queue of twelve million people so abandoned the idea of phoning Delhi in favour of the online chat feature. Eventually, after seventeen failed attempts to resolve the problem with twelve different chat advisors via repeatedly impaling my head off the corner of my desk, I was connected to an advisor named Kanwarjeet who immediately sussed out that nothing was wrong with the connection despite our Wi-Fi being as extinct as all the dinosaurs that never made it to Jurassic Park.


BT in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious...

BT in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious…



Kanwarjeet Part 1

Kanwarjeet Part 2