Correspondence #5: eBay

I found this image on the internationalnetwork. I've no idea what it's referring to, and I'm using the image without permission.

I found this image on the internationalnetwork. I’ve no idea what it’s referring to, and I’m using the image without permission.

My username on eBay is mr_jimmy_grimble which is something my brother occasionally calls me. I’m not sure exactly why, nor where the name originated but there is a film called ‘There’s Only One Jimmy Grimble’ which is a football film about a young footballer who plays football with a football. It wasn’t about me though as I haven’t played football for ages due to laziness and severe trench foot caused by a pair of £8 trainers that I purchased on eBay.

I usually buy the same pair of these trainers twice a year, and because they’re so cheap coupled with the fact my feet are Hobbit-esque and belong in the circus, they have a tendency to fall apart after about six months due to the unnecessary stress my freak feet exert to the interior lining. This time, however, the seam in these sneaky sneakers split the second time I put them on, and when I opened up a correspondence with the seller I genuinely wanted a simple replacement. If it wasn’t for them ignoring me then emailing with a dismissive retort I probably would have forgotten about it which happens a lot because of years of recreational drug abuse that has removed large chunks of my memory.

 

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:17-Nov-15 18:39

mr_jimmy_grimble has sent a question about item #321177794881, ending on 20-Nov-15 11:33:21 GMT – New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School
PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Up

Hi,

I purchased these trainers last week, I’ve worn them twice and the seam in
the left shoe has split open.

Would I be able to return them for a pair that aren’t damaged?

Kind regards,

Chris

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:18-Nov-15 10:18
please send us an image so we can check this thanks

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:18-Nov-15 20:54
As requested
Not a hint of hedgehog...

Welcome to Splitsville. Population: shoe.

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:26-Nov-15 15:42

Hi,

Did you receive the image of the split trainer? If not, here’s the offending item now.

Many thanks,

Chris

Not a hint of hedgehog...

Seams dodgy. See what I did there?

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:26-Nov-15 17:03
yes just wait. we are dealing with this

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:26-Nov-15 17:39

Dear Sue Centre,

Many thanks for your friendly response.

It pleases me greatly to know that you are dealing with this swiftly, efficiently,
and effectively – all adjectives that one would use to describe responding to
a query that has been sitting festering for over a week with no communication.

However, I completely understand your reticence to reply to my request for
a replacement shoe. At present I am ignoring approximately 40 emails
including several from a solicitor regarding a tax evasion scam I am
caught up in as well as about 25 from my manager at work asking how
the stock level in the vending machines halve with no noticeable profit
every time I am on shift. I find replying to email gets in the way of
more pressing concerns such as chewing my fingernails or trying
on my girlfriend’s clothes when she’s at work.

I should only presume, given the length of time it’s been since my first
query, that you’ve sent off the photograph of my diseased trainer to
Kodak to be analysed for authenticity should you be concerned that
I am attempting to con you out of £10. You need not worry as I can
guarantee that it’s genuine as that is my freshly manicured thumb
pointing to where the split in the seam is. I had it manicured especially
for that photograph. As a token of goodwill from yourself, I’d gladly
accept a refund on the manicure as well. It only seems fair. It cost £50.
Just transfer it into my PayPal account at your earliest convenience.

I look forward to your early response regarding my trainer troubles.

Regards,

Chris

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:09-Jan-16 10:09

Dear Sue Centre,

Many thanks for your reply which still hasn’t arrived.

I replied to your friendly reply back on 26th November 2015 and it’s
now 9th January 2016 which I calculate is approximately 6 months
since we last corresponded. That’s a long time to leave me hanging.
It’s like the email equivalent of me going to high five you and you
just looking at me blankly while my high-fived hand is just hanging
in the air. Perhaps that’s where the phrase ‘don’t leave me hanging’
comes from. Something to think about I suppose, especially if you
don’t high five and opt for ‘big tens’ instead. That would just be
embarrassing if you attempted to big ten someone and got nothing
back. I can’t imagine anything more excruciating.

Anyway, enough about high fives and big tens. My damaged New
Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims
Shoes Lace Ups are still awaiting return to the mothership to be replaced.
Can you tell me when this will happen? Presently, they’re sitting on a
shelf in my flat looking at me and wondering what’s going on and why
they’re not being used. I haven’t the heart to tell them that they’re
damaged and pretty much useless, and that I’m still waiting for a
younger, more attractive, more nubile pair of New Mens Ladies Unisex Black
White School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups to arrive to
replace them.

Incidentally can we please refer to my New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White
School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups as simply
‘my damaged trainers’ from now on? When I called the police to
inform them about your shoddy correspondence and apparent
refusal to replace my New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps
Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups they hung up after the seventh time
I referred to them as New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps
Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups.

I hope this matter is resolved sooner rather than later. I’d hate to
have to open up a dispute thing with PayPal as I’ve heard they’re
Mafia-esque.

Kind regards,

Chris

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:09-Jan-16 13:36
please send us a picture of the received item and where its faulty, we advise you to return the item back to us so we can check this, we have not been ignoring you as you state, we are not a company to rip you of for £8 worth of shoes?????? you can call the police or do what is best but its not the way we deal with our returns or faulty items. please firstly send us a picture of the item as you are claiming it to be damaged

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:09-Jan-16 14:28

Dear Sue,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Unfortunately I’ve deleted the image of my diseased trainer from my iPhone,
as well as the 400 photographs of my feet that I take each time I’m on the
toilet, in order to free up storage space so I can download images of Brad
Pitt with no top on. I’ve attached my current favourite image of Brad instead.
I’d like to think he was thinking of me in this picture; perhaps about meeting
up and watching all of his movies together. I think he’d be a really nice
person to hang out with. We could talk about trainers. Perhaps he’d ask me
why I was wearing a damaged pair of New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White
School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups, and I could reply that
the seam split; then he could ask why I don’t get them replaced and I’d
say that I’ve been trying my hardest but not getting anywhere with Sue
Centre. Then he’d probably call Sue a cow and give me a hug. I expect
he doesn’t wear damaged New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School
PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups.

However, if you read the previous correspondence you will see that I
sent an image of my diseased shoe back on 26th November, as per your
request. As previously mentioned, you can see my thumb in the image so
please let me know what you think of the manicure you so kindly offered
to pay for by way of recompense for failing to respond to my enquiry
about replacing my damaged trainer. I am still awaiting the funds to
be deposited into my account.

It does reassure me to know that you aren’t a company that rips people
off for £8 worth of shoes but it’s quite apparent that your shoes rip
themselves off given how easily the seam burst away from the sole
the second time I put them on. On the plus side, wearing damaged trainers
that expose my feet to the elements does have its advantages including
trench foot and mild frostbite which I think creates a connection between
me and Mother Nature.

Please let me know when my new trainer will be sent.

Regards,

Chris

Oooh la la...

Oooh la la…

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:09-Jan-16 20:31
please provide us with proper photos and not brad pitt

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:10-Jan-16 13:17

Dear Sue Centre,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

That was a test and you failed. It’s quite clearly a picture of a shirtless
Johnny Depp and definitely not a picture of Brad Pitt with no top on.
I know this because I’ve memorised the intricacies of Brad’s abdominal
muscles and they’re clearly not on show here. I’m disappointed with you
in making such an elementary mistake and fear you cannot be trusted in
a combat situation. If this is the way you conduct your business then it’s
no wonder that your Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll
Plims Shoes Lace Ups surrender and capitulate to the elements after only
36 hours of use playing football, rock climbing and kicking small
hedgehogs against garage walls as they go about their business.

Having said that I have, at no extra expense to you and despite having
already sent the image twice previously, attached the initial photograph
of the diseased trainer and my manicured thumb which, given the
protracted nature of this correspondence, is due another one as my
thumbnail is nowlong and powerful enough to slice open the seam on the
other shoe with minimal effort.

I trust procedures will now be in place to get my New Mens Ladies Unisex
Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Up replaced at
long long last.

Kind regards,

Chris

Not a hint of hedgehog...

Not a hint of hedgehog…

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:10-Jan-16 16:36
we advise you to return them to us so we can inspect the shoes and help you get it the situation resolved thanks

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:11-Jan-16 13:21

Dear Sue,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am very glad we are approaching something resembling a resolution with
regard to my diseased New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE
Pumps Plimsoll Plims Shoes Lace Ups. I have taken your advice and
first thing this morning I went to the post office with my broken trainer
and asked them to wrap it up and post it to you. When they asked me why
I wanted to post one shoe I explained that it was infected and needed to
be replaced with one that isn’t extremely ill with an infectious disease.
Not entirely sure of what to make of my statement, the clerk behind the
desk offered to throw it in the bin if it was as terminally ill as I suggested
so I hastily agreed because I didn’t want them to make a scene as I was still
in my pyjamas and night cap.

However, I have instead sent you the left boot of the slipper boots that
I got off Santa Claus this Christmas. They too are damaged due to the length
of my toenails and their all-too-easy ability to penetrate soft, woollen fabric
and half-arsed stitch-work carried out by child sweatshop workers in
Bangladesh.

The damaged slipper boot should arrive tomorrow, first class post, so please
send me a New Mens Ladies Unisex Black White School PE Pumps Plimsoll
Plims Shoes Lace Up as a replacement.

Kind regards,

Chris

From:shucentre-uk
To:mr_jimmy_grimble
Sent:11-Jan-16 17:12
we can’t accept a damaged slipper in place of a shoe. return the split trainer and we’ll see what we can do

Kind Regards

ShuCentre
http://www.shucentre.co.uk

From:mr_jimmy_grimble
To:shucentre-uk
Sent:12-Jan-16 9:06

Dear Sue,

You owe me a slipper.

Kind regards,

Chris

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Posted on 12/01/2016, in Human Beings Still Exist and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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