Correspondence #4: DPD Part II – The Search For Choc

Kevin Costner as an Oscar-winning postman in Field Of Dreams.

Kevin Costner as an Oscar-winning postman in Field Of Dreams.

Last week I opened a correspondence with DPD regarding their comically poor delivery service, and in-between all of the mania, frustration and subsequent blood on the keyboard, a resolution of sorts was agreed whereby they offered a gesture of a box of compensatory chocolates by way of an apology for their wilful insubordination. Unfortunately these chocs never materialised and I was consequently forced to open up another line of communication with these bad prats to ask why the delivery to compensate for my initial failed delivery was now another failed delivery in itself.

I quite enjoy emailing people when I feel something of an injustice has occurred as the distraction of annoying other human beings helps cushion the shock and subsequent depression of waking up every day and realising that Skynet is not even close to being a thing, apes are not even close to a revolution, and my brain is not even close to being fully developed. With this one, however, even I got sick of how much it dragged on. So much so that when it was finally over I took the rest of the day off work. Sometimes I wish people would just tell me to piss off and stop bothering them.

On the plus side, today I received a message from my mother that DPD finally arrived with her apology, a hamper full of drugs and a look of abject fear in their eyes. So, every cloud…

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Whoever It Is Who’s Going To Respond To This Particular Message,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

As per the previous correspondence attached to this email that’s stretched itself out over the course of 7 days, please find attached in vibe form my total and utter despondence at the web of lies and broken promises with which DPD now aligns itself.

Despite all of my eagerness and hope that there’d be a resolution to this ongoing crisis – and rest assured…. this… is a crisis – it turns out that all hope and eagerness was merely a fart in the wind that dissipated quickly and prematurely, and didn’t linger about waiting to surprise people with its presence. Corresponding with DPD is very much like this: plenty of promise, plenty of excitement, and then nothing. Just air, and nary a hint of follow through.

While you may have promised my mother a fine box of chocolates by way of recompense for your earlier mass failings at attempting to deliver a parcel to my home for which she took the day off work, it seems this too was damn dirty lie which, given the time of year, is completely understandable. The amount of times I encourage the kids in the playgroup at work to get excited about Santa arriving next week only to tell them he doesn’t exist and if he did he’d hate them is probably excessive. The fact of the matter is I like watching their faces drop after a fleeting sensation of glee. I can’t get enough of it, and given your general procedures and correspondence, I suspect this is the kind of thing DPD thrive on too.

To be honest, I thought I’d be more dismayed about this whole secondary DPD situation until I reminded myself that this is DPD I’m dealing with so I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise. DPD – which stands for Delivery People Deliverers – should really think about changing their name because you’re not at all delivery people deliverers. You could change it to any number of original and relevant names such as ‘Doesn’t Post Deliveries’ or ‘Don’t Pick DPD’ or ‘David Pollock Dickhead’, though that last one isn’t massively relevant, it’s just that David Pollock was a human boy who used to bully me in primary school every day. He wasn’t very nice at all and when he got to middle school he was expelled for staple-gunning a classmate to the wall. He’s a postman now which I think has agreeable symmetry to our current predicament.

Anyway, I hate to have to escalate this situation but unfortunately you leave me no choice but to write a complaint letter to your superiors regarding your lies, betrayal, emotional blackmail and hate. And I wouldn’t expect anything decent off Santa this year. He doesn’t exist and if he does he hates you.

An email of complaint will be forwarded to the relevant department in due course.

Merry Christmas,

Yours never,

Chris

Social Media via 6j21uev6ljh3o.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to me

Hi Chris

I’ve had a look into this. You are right, we haven’t delivered the service that you deserve.

I am sorry about this. I’ve spoken to the depot and have asked them as of to why the delivery failed more than once. We can see that on an occasion the driver was on his way, but as you requested for a delivery to your neighbour it failed. You aren’t at fault here by the way.

I am sorry to say we do not offer compensation. However if you speak to your sender they may be able to refund your delivery charge, as you paid this to get the best customer service and it wasn’t given to you.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask us.

Many thanks

Nathaniel

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply, and your inference that I am at fault here by the way.

While I appreciate you speaking to the depot to ascertain why they aren’t capable of carrying an item from point A to point B, it’s been over a week since I was told that the reason they weren’t capable of this was because of the clear, precise instructions given to them with plenty of time in advance of delivery. This is understandable as carrying out instructions to the letter can be difficult for some people. Just this morning I was asked to email an important client about retrieving payment for several invoices he was in arrears with thus keeping our business above water and securing our short-term future. I was told it was vital I got this done but instead I got distracted by the new toy lightsaber I’d bought for my girlfriend’s little boy for Christmas, and began charging around my office attacking anything that wasn’t secured to my desk. Unfortunately, just as I was re-enacting the scene in Star Wars IV: A Brand New Hope when Hans Solo is arguing with Greedy The Bounty Hunter then gets angry and slices him in half with his lightsaber, I accidentally popped a light bulb while doing a jumping-backflip-dance-attack and the subsequent smoke set the fire alarms off. The entire building had to be evacuated and by the time I got back to my desk I’d completely forgotten about the important email I’d been tasked with. It’s probably okay though. From my experience if you don’t do a job properly all you have to do is lie about it then promise someone a box of chocolates as compensation then lie about that too.

Thankfully I’ve made my peace with the DPD people being unable to carry out a job that they were literally created to do which leaves me with one of your social media advisors dangling a box of chocolates in front of my poor mother’s face then snatching it away from her as she awaited her one-hour delivery window text.

As per the previous correspondence from your social media advisors, please can you confirm when these chocolates will be delivered? Please add a bouquet of flowers and a voucher for 12 free months of Netflix as an additional gesture for this second failure to follow through with a service that you promised.

I look forward to your speedy reply before I call the police.

Yours never ever,

Chris

Social Media via 1nj4ndxw0w6.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to me

Hi Chris

Firstly I am sorry for telling you we don’t offer compensation.

On the plus side, we’ve arranged for your mother to receive the flowers. You definitely deserve them as we’d let you down.With the box of chocolates I am chasing this for you.

Many thanks

Nathaniel
Social Media

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

However, I must take your offer of flowers and chocolates with a pinch of salt as I was told I’d be receiving the chocolates on Monday as well as a one hour delivery window text and this never happened. My mother was going to be receiving the chocolates which left me with the one hour delivery window text which I was really looking forward to getting as I rarely receive texts these days ever since I was viciously ‘outed’ on social media. I won’t go into detail with that but suffice to say it involved a change of identity.

Nevertheless, despite the friendship and trust I feel we have now established between us, I just can’t shake the feeling that you will disappoint me.

Perhaps you could text me a test delivery text to confirm your commitment to our working relationship, and to get these flowers and chocolates and Netflix vouchers sent out before Christmas.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via x6hq989a9vsakc.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to me

Hi Chris

I completely understand your hesitance to rely on us. Please leave this with us, we won’t let it go.

Again, sorry for all the mishap that happened.

Hope you enjoy your evening

Nathaniel

Social Media

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 16 (2 days ago)

to Social
Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I am glad that you understand that my understanding of your understanding of my dissatisfaction of DPD’s service is, at the least, hesitant, and at the most, borderline manic. If this isn’t fully understood then I understand the next step will be a complaint letter notwithstanding. I expect I can count on your understanding. I hope this is as clear to you as it is to me.

I have set my alarm on my phone to wake me up in the morning at 4am so I hope to have a resolution sitting in my email inbox waiting for me at dawn.

I look forward to meeting you, Nathaniel.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via bmr5pekso1q.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Hi Chris

Hope you’re well 🙂

I’ve spoken to the depot, and the manager I asked for is in a meeting.

I briefly explained to a member of staff (as he’d asked) what the query was about.
He will help look into this, and I’ve told them to add notes so I can often update you.

Will keep in touch 😉

Nathaniel

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to Social

Dear Nathaniel,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I’m not going to lie I’m not 100% today. I barely slept a wink thinking about the depot staff at DPD laughing at my plight, eating the chocolates that were meant for my mother, and not sending the one hour delivery window text that had my name, telephone number and personal details on it.

However, I completely understand that the manager you asked for is in a meeting. Whenever I can’t be bothered to speak to anyone I have one of my subordinates tell whoever I’m avoiding that I’m doing something exotic and exciting such as lion taming or logging in and out of Facebook with my chin resting on my hand. Just this morning prior to consuming the eleven espressos I have at once in order to be able to function as a human being, I accidentally told a customer that I didn’t work here anymore and to come back in the past should he wish to see me. This was despite me telling him this directly to his face. As abstract conversations go, it’s up there. Thankfully I’ve had my caffeine fix now and despite severe chest pains I’m feeling a lot better so thank you for asking.

I’m glad you have another member of staff helping you with this troublesome situation. That means there’s three of us all trying to pull in the right direction to get these flowers, chocolates and 12 months of free Netflix vouchers delivered before Christmas. My favourite proverb is ‘Too Many Cooks Make Broth Taste Nice’ so I think this an apt phrase for our situation.

Please keep me updated with delivery of the chocolates, flowers and 12 months of free Netflix vouchers. It still seems bizarre that you offered me these yet didn’t send them. I can only put that down to your horrid working conditions and your general hatred of life so I’m willing to overlook that if you get them shipped at some point today with a confirmation email, letter of apology and a hug.

Kind regards,

Chris

Social Media via draxs64jpuxtby.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Dear Chris

Thank you for your honesty; I’m really sorry you’ve lost sleep over this situation. We’re doing our best to get this sorted for you. I must say 11 espressos is a rather large dose of caffeine but I agree that life without espressos would be rough. I hope the chest pains diminish as the day goes on.

We’ll be sure to keep you updated.

Kind regards,

Hemin
Social Media Team

 

Social Media via uf5c4ldfr5v3bx.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Dear Chris

The depot manager has updated our notes and advised that the courtesy gift will be on its way to you ASAP. I’m sorry we won’t be able to give you a physical hug but please accept this cyber hug instead. *Cyber hug*.

Kind regards,

Hemin
Social Media Team

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to Social

Dear Hemin,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

Much like your cyber hug, I suspect your courtesy gift does not exist. I’ve been promised so many promises and so many promises have been broken. I honestly don’t know where to put myself. If it wasn’t for my alcoholism I don’t where I’d be. Thankfully I have a bottle of Gordon’s Gin in my desk drawer here at work and I am sipping from it. Admittedly it’s not Tanqueray or Stovell’s Wildcrafted Gin but this is work and who wants to drink the best while stuck at your desk. Not me. Not on your nelly. I will, however, be celebrating with them should the fabled courtesy gift arrive.

Just for peace of mind please can you confirm the delivery address I gave you, what the gifts will be and when they will be delivered? If not I will give you a piece of my mind. I’ve already opened communication with your complaints department and, while disagreeing over which is the best brand of gin, they are shocked at my ill-treatment, and rightly so, Joe.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

Social Media via 1dpzisqclg7vj7.2-ms7weag.eu3.bnc.salesforce.com 

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to me

Dear Chris

I can assure the courtesy gifts are real. The depot have confirmed they will be sending a box of chocolates and bottle of champagne to the address you originally requested:

**** *******

****** ******

***************

**************

**** ***

We will also be sending flowers to the same address, although this is being sent from our head office. Again, I’d like to apologise for the trouble this has caused and hope you have a great day.

Kind regards,

Hemin
Social Media Team

 

Chris James Peet <chrisjpeet@googlemail.com>

Dec 17 (1 day ago)

to Social

Dear Hemin,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

I await with bated breath the courtesy gifts you so confidently assert will arrive. I do hope they’ll be delivered sooner rather than later or later rather than never as if I hold my breath for too long you’ll have a death on your hands which is something none of us wants. Except everyone on your social media response team.

I do hope that these legendary gifts find their way to the correct destination and with that in mind I’ll leave you with this quote that I think sums up this whole sorry saga:

Life is what happens when you’re busy arranging schedules with your friends and it sneaks up on you” – Kurt Cobain, 1998.

I look forward to the make-believe gifts in the post.

Kind regards,

Chris

 

 

There was free drugs stashed in the umbrella. Just saying.

There was free drugs stashed in the umbrella. Just saying.

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Posted on 18/12/2015, in Human Beings Still Exist and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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