Correspondence #3: DPD

Fuck you...

Fuck you…

I wasn’t going to post this particular correspondence because of the multiple people I was forced to correspond with, all with varying personalities, flamboyant grammar and sentence structure, and middling to okay sense of humours. But I’ve decided to post because of the time of year and the heart-warming resolution at the end of it.

It consistently baffles and amazes me how every little thing in general society fails to work properly. From buses and trains that repeatedly fail to arrive on time to my brain disengaging correspondence with my body when driving causing me to veer wildly across whole lanes of traffic and giving my instructor cause to wear nappies each time he gets in a car with me, there isn’t a thing on earth that doesn’t make my piss boil.

My most recent bugbear was the delivery people at DPD. Attempting multiple times to arrange and rearrange delivery of a parcel to my home vexed me so much it caused me to have to text my mother to ask her to sit in my pig-sty of a flat staring at the front door in order to sign for it when they arrived. I love my mam very much but engaging in a text conversation with her is more stressful than being attacked in my sleep with improvised weapons made of cardboard by my girlfriend’s adorably loud little son at 6am. More often than not the text messages I receive off my mam require a degree in modern languages and an hour of intense deliberation in order to decipher what it is she’s saying. The same goes with her general every day vernacular. As well as regularly referring to my brother as my dad, me as my brother and my dad as the pet dog, she also has a habit of muttering dizzying turns of phrase the likes of which cause my dad, brother and I to exchange confused and bewildered glances. Often she’ll say things like, ‘I’m making cake for the dinner afterwards for pudding later as dessert’ or something similarly bamboozling. She also has a clever way of presuming that everyone is talking to her regardless of whether she’s partaking in the conversation or, indeed, if she’s even in the same room. I’ve had conversations with my dad that unfold something like this:

‘Yeah, he should have started as a striker as he’s wasted on the wing,’ I’d state.
‘Without a doubt,’ my dad would chip in, ‘complete waste of a pair of football boots out there.’
At which point a distant voice, usually from upstairs, would pipe up:
‘What?’ My mam, a flight of stairs and two rooms away, would deduce that we were talking to her. ‘What are yous saying? Did you shout of me?’ We’d ignore her and carry on our discussion.
‘I need Newcastle to win on my accumulator but I’ll say a 7-0 home defeat. You?’ I’d continue.
‘Double figures defeat.’
Then a voice from upstairs: ‘what? Hello? What did you say? I can’t hear you.’ Then footsteps would carry across the ceiling and pitter-patter down the stairs. My mam would pop her head around the door, breathless: ‘Were you shouting of me?’

Every conversation that occurs at my folks’ house involves a sub-conversation to remind her we’re not addressing her directly. And despite me being an idiot, she usually drops whatever she’s doing to attend to whatever I ask of her. Once, when in the Highlands of Scotland, I told her I’d contracted some form of poisoning from wild swimming in a river and she basically offered to come up and get me and take me home until I reminded her I was 33 and not 3. Bless her. She must really care for me though that may well change when she discovers that I’m going to pack her off to a nursing home when she’s outlived her usefulness.


DPD – Your Delivery 5012032174


Social Media via 

Dec 9 (2 days ago)

to me
Good afternoon Chris

I’m writing further to my earlier voicemail and in response to your tweet. I’m so sorry to learn that you have experienced difficulties with your delivery.After I left my message I called the driver straight back and was able to stay on the line whilst he delivered the parcel to your house and Mrs Peet signed for it.

With regards to your request to deliver to your neighbour, there is no reason that this couldn’t have happened with the way that your delivery was arranged by the sender, but the driver did mention that he had previously attempted to deliver to one of your neighbours who had refused to accept delivery.

We strive to deliver all parcels swiftly and promptly and upon this occasion we have not met expectations, for which I apologise. As your parcel has now been safely received I trust that all is now in order, however if you have any further concerns please do let us know.

Very best wishes

DPD Customer Services

Chris James Peet <>

Dec 9 (2 days ago)

to Social

Dear Julie,

Many thanks for your voicemail offering a potential solution to a problem that was resolved myself via 40 text messages, 14 phone calls and several threats towards random members of the public and my mother due to my frustration at DPD’s poor delivery service.

Having recently purchased an item that was comparable in price to that Ark of the Covenant thing the Nazi’s loved in the Harrison Fjord film ‘Raider Of The Lost Ark: The Adventures of Indiana Jones’, I was keen to have this delivered at the earliest convenience and not have to endure the unabashedly stupid comic-book adventure thrill ride in which Harrison Fjord’s character had to partake in order to get a hold of his own undeliverable item. Given my recent experience, unfortunately that’s turned out to be the case despite me not owning a fedora and bullwhip. Judging by the title of the film, I can only presume that Indy had attempted to have the Ark of the Covenant also delivered by DPD given how it ultimately ended up in the hands of the Nazis and everyone’s faces melted when it arrived 2 months late, not at Indy Jones’s house, but on a weird rock thing in the middle of the sea where it emitted a powerful light that killed dozens of people. It was a great movie though. My favourite bit was when Indy finally got the Ark delivered and you could see the relief in his face that he hadn’t threatened his mother with violence if she didn’t take the day off work to go to his house to sign for it.

Furthermore, it did distress me a lot to learn that my five requests to have my parcel delivered to one of my neighbours went unheeded. Except that one time you mentioned where my neighbour apparently refused to accept delivery of it. This is understandable as if it’s the neighbour I’m thinking of he still hasn’t forgiven me for the time he saw me in the street, stopped to make small talk and I pretended to be speaking to someone on my phone which then rang loudly at the mid-point of passing him. He still goes on about that sometimes.

But I digress. I really would have appreciated an acknowledgement that you at least attempted delivery to a neighbour. All I got was several photographs of the front, side and rear of my flat which, while it brought to my attention a potential guttering problem, it did seem to imply that your couriers have something of a voyeuristic component attached to their personalities.

And while your service offered multiple choices for redelivery should I not be home, my repeated attempts to option one of these was met with a radio silence the likes of which will not be seen until the nuclear apocalypse that’s due to occur whenever the next Terminator film says it will.

Is there any form of recompense for not meeting my delivery expectations? Ideally I’d like leather trousers but a cash prize would also be acceptable.

I expect to hear from you in due course.

Kind regards,


Social Media via 

Dec 10 (1 day ago)

to me
Hi Chris,

Thanks for getting back to us.I do have to commend you on the film references to a DPD delivery I’ve honestly never thought of one of our deliveries in this way. Although come to think of it we do track our drivers like Enemy of the state :O Staring my favourite actor Will Smith.

I’m sorry your parcel wasn’t delivered to you since the 3rd as it should have been and our driver have struggled to deliver to you or one of your neighbours. I know our drivers are franchise driver that attempted at your address. This does mean that they are only paid per successful delivery attempt as an incentive to do their best to get parcels delivered (none of Indiana’s treasure for Steve). I can now see this was delivered to you yesterday as you’ve said.

I’m really sorry that you have been through such an ordeal. I wouldn’t be able to get you a cash prize but I did enjoy reading your email as it was slightly different to those that we’re used to if you have a delivery in future please mail in and we’ll do everything we can to stop this happening in future although some steps have already been taken.  I really hope you do get those leather trousers but if there is any rock unturned or a question I’ve left unanswered please let me know.

Kindest regards
Social Media

Chris James Peet <>

3:25 PM (21 hours ago)

to Social
Dear Si,
Thanks for your friendly reply.

I too enjoy staring at my favourite actors in all the movies I like. Once, I stared at an image of Brad Pitt’s abs for so long that I developed a slight astigmatism in one of my eyes the side effects of which cause me to sweat and tremble profusely every time he appears on screen. I’ll admit that this has caused some concern from my girlfriend regarding my sexuality but even though I’m slightly curious, I can confirm that I’m probably not gay. Despite the existence of Brad, Andrea Pirlo and Lion-O from Thundercats.

Regarding the protracted delivery of my parcel, it has caused something of an issue with my mother who had to take the afternoon off work because of DPD’s repeated refusal to change my delivery. I know I made something of a joke regarding a compensatory gesture for me but when it comes to my mam I’m deadly serious. She does a lot for me and if she refuses to help me in my time of need she’ll certainly know about it. She can’t half take a punch that one. She lost a lot of flexi-time finishing work early to wait in for the parcel so it would be much appreciated if you could refund this flexi-time via email at your earliest convenience. I know she would appreciate the gesture. If you could gift wrap it, even better.

I expect this act of kindness will thoroughly make up for your repeated failure to deliver my present.

Kind regards,


Social Media via 

4:20 PM (20 hours ago)

to me
Hey Chris,

Thanks for your reply, I must say I admire your great respect for Brad Pitts abs :)In regards to your mother waiting in I agree that she would probably have been quite peeved for it to fail and wouldn’t be too impressed when you got back. I would like to offer that we send out a box of chocolates to her as a good will gesture. Is this something you think would make her feel better?


Chris James Peet <>

4:37 PM (20 hours ago)

to Social

Dear Alison,

Many thanks for your friendly reply.

A box of chocolates sounds like a pleasant goodwill gesture. Will she get fries with that? She can take them or leave them to be honest but I was told to always ask.

If you could send the chocolates (and/or fries) to the following address and have them delivered personally from Mr Kriss Kringle then I promise I won’t send you the other 86 emails addressed to DPD Customer Care I have sitting in my drafts folder*. Many thanks indeed.

Mrs Ann Peet
**** *******
****** ******
**** ***
Kind regards,
*this is dependent on the physical state of my now-delivered parcel. I’ve yet to get home to see it so you may well receive further correspondence from me should I be dissatisfied with the delivered package.

Social Media via 

5:52 PM (18 hours ago)

to me
Hey Chris,

I’m glad you said yes! Unfortunately we’re out of fries :'(On a brighter note, the chocolates are being arranged for you and I’ll drop you a quick email to let you know when they’ll get there.

Social Media via 

5:56 PM (18 hours ago)

to me

They will be there Monday, you’ll get a text with the one hour slot 🙂

Chris James Peet <>

6:41 PM (18 hours ago)

to Social

Dear Alison,

Many thanks for your friendly reply. Additional thanks for your goodwill gesture.

It pleases me greatly to know my mother will receive an early Christmas present of a box of expensive handmade personalised chocolates shipped in from Belgium especially and wrapped in a satin bow by you personally. It’s more than she’s getting off me because frankly she doesn’t deserve a thing given the amount of times she tried to get out of waiting at my flat for my parcel. You’re obviously a lovely person. I’ll send you a Christmas card occasionally by way of thanks.

I hope your Christmas is more Santa Claus and less Ebenezer Scrooge.

Happy Easter, Alison.

Kind regards,


Sent from my iPhone

Social Media via 

6:27 AM (6 hours ago)

to me
Hey Chris,
Alison doesn’t start until 8 but I’ll make sure that she see’s this thanks so much for getting back to us and spreading the Christmas cheer I hope you have a great Christmas too 🙂

Posted on 11/12/2015, in Human Beings Still Exist and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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