Rejection Letter #1

Before I took up employment at my current position where my job generally consists of wandering from room to room with a pen in my hand, shooting annoying customers in the back with two gun-shaped hands, and sighing, I was actively looking for work (as opposed to inactively) and I sent approximately 4000 job applications over the course of 8 weeks. The majority of them were ignored or rejected flat out but occasionally I’d get a wonderfully convoluted rejection such as this. I reckon Facebook had been blocked at Durham Uni and Kirsten was just bored.

Durham University – Recruitment Team

Jun 25

to me

Dear Chris,

Re: University Retail Assistant, Reference number: 4705

The closing date for this position has now passed and we note on our recruitment system that you have not submitted your application. Your details have therefore been removed from our system for this post.

We would like to thank you for your interest and hope that you would consider future vacancies at Durham University.

Regards
Durham University Recruitment Team

NB – This email and any files transmitted with it are intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed.  The above information is confidential to the addressee and may be privileged.  Unauthorised access and use is prohibited.

If you are not the intended recipient please delete.

________________________________________

Chris James Peet

AttachmentsJun 25

to Durham

Dear Durham University Recruitment  Team,

Many thanks for your confusing email.

I see that the closing date for this position has now passed and note on my recruitment page that I did actually submit my application on or around 3rd June, as you can see from the attached screen grab of my account. If you could therefore restore my details to your system and consider my application for this post then that would be most dandy.

Kindest of regards,

Chris

Click to enlarge!

________________________________________

SHALE K.

Jun 25

to me

Dear Chris

Unfortunately you did not complete and submit the application matrix as requested in the advert, therefore your application was incomplete and not considered for the position.

Kind regards
Kirsten

Kirsten Shale
HR Business Support Administrator (Social Sciences & Health)

________________________________________

Chris James Peet

AttachmentsJun 25

to SHALE

Dear Shale. K,

Many thanks for your swift response.

However, I must take umbrage with your suggestion that I didn’t complete the matrix. I’ve seen the trilogy three times and the original film twice; once in a heightened state of confusion when I wandered into the wrong cinema screening thinking I was going to see Star Wars Episode 1: Planet Menace, and instead sat for two hours wondering why there was no Jedi Master Yogi in it, and wondering how Keanu Reeves had landed a starring role in Star Wars without anyone knowing. I did enjoy it though. My favourite bit was when they were in the matrix.

As requested, I’ve attached an image of Keanu in action in the Matrix. I’ve also attached proof of my submitted evidence matrix. It took me three days to complete which is very efficient but it doesn’t have Keanu in it unfortunately. I’ve entitled it ‘Cats’ so there’s no confusion.

I expect my application will now be reconsidered.

Kind regards,

Chris

The Matrix

The Matrix

Cats

Cats

________________________________________

SHALE K.

Jun 26

to me

Dear Chris

Many thanks for confirming you attached the application matrix to your online application, however it is not completed with the detail the department require.

Best wishes

Kirsten
________________________________________

Chris James Peet

Jun 26

to SHALE

Dear Kirsty,

Many thanks for your delayed response.

I understand that it may not have been completed to the standard you require. When I realised that I had to fill in a separate sheet of information about my skills and duties for a position that my alcoholic, 90 year old, wheelchair bound next door neighbour could do with minimal supervision, I opted to get my alcoholic, 90 year old, wheelchair bound next door neighbour to complete it instead. I didn’t bother to check it before I sent it as this would require more effort than working as a retail assistant.

I am glad that we eventually got to the real reason of why my application wasn’t considered despite your previous emails and their tendency to be a bit flagrant with the truth.

I wish you well in your chosen career.

Kind regards,
Chris
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Posted on 12/09/2015, in Human Beings Still Exist and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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